The Biggest Challenge so far...

To be honest, there are many challenges facing me right now as I near my 40th birthday.  I have that pesky marathon to start thinking about, a lot of gray hairs appearing at an alarming speed, challenges with friendships, personal growth, my health - the list could go on and on.  However, the overwhelming challenge I face on a daily basis is how to handle all the emotions attached to raising my son Jayson, who is on the autism spectrum.  There are few people in my life who truly understand this emotional challenge - many who think they do, and are so well meaning, but they really don't get it.  Not a day passes that I am not reminded of the sadness.  Not a day passes that I don't worry about his future.  And not a day passes that I don't grieve for what could have been.  Jayson is a good kid - and he blends in fairly well with "normal" society (I use that term loosely).  I think that's why so many people don't really understand how hard it really is.  Here's a great example of how something seemingly so small, can really be indicative of a larger sense of sadness:  Yesterday Jayson came home from school and I opened his backpack to find that he had not brought home his take home packets and guided reading books - AGAIN.  We have gone over this until we are blue in the face and have even worked hard with his teachers to put a system into place at school to help him remember to stay organized.  Now, I realize that organization is something Jayson will always struggle with.  To be honest, I wasn't that mad at him.  He is doing pretty well in school academically this year and is making new friends every day (in his own awkward way).  Plus, there are plenty of 7 year olds who have yet to master their organizational skills.  The problem came when I tried to simply TALK to him about what should have come home in his backpack.  I asked many questions - did you get your packets from your teachers today? Where did you put them? Was there no homework because of the special tests you are taking this week?  Did the helper teacher check your backpack before you left? Unfortunately, Jayson is rarely able to hold a simple give and take conversation with me.  He couldn't look me in the eye and answer my questions and most of what he said was rambling and nonsensical.  It's situations like these that punch me right in the gut.  I have loved this boy for 7 years, but I have not yet had a true, heartfelt conversation with him.  He can't talk to me about his emotions, or his fears, or his dreams.  He can't even handle talking to me about simple things that happened at school! We can't joke or talk about things happening in the news.  I look around at all my friends with their kids and listen to their simple conversations that are taken for granted a million times a day.  It breaks my heart and the heart of my husband, who has said numerous times, "I just want to talk to my son!". This is what makes me sad every day.  This is my biggest challenge - how do I not let the sadness overwhelm me and overshadow all the great and wonderful things about him (and there are MANY wonderful things about Jayson to be sure).  And sadly, my greatest challenge at 40 years old will most likely continue to be my greatest one at 50 years old - and 60 years old.  The worry will never go away...