I think we all have a tendency to label people in our lives. We all have the funny Uncle, the cranky neighbor, the flighty friend, the difficult child, etc. Most of the time, those labels are harmless, but 2 incidents this week have reminded me to be careful not to define people based on the labels we (often erroneously) give them.
The first incident happened with my son. Many years ago we struggled with giving him the big "A" label. We were afraid he would be ostracized by people who didn't understand what autism was all about. However, we quickly saw the benefit of the Autism label for him in preschool, as more and more helpful services were offered to him. As he continued to grow and mature, the label was helpful in other ways. His karate sensei always has a little extra patience for Jayson and, as a result, he is flourishing in that class. In fact, he has far surpassed what I ever thought he would do in karate. So labels have rarely hurt him - until this year. Erik and I made the decision to split his classroom time in 2nd grade between the mainstream class and the special education class, believing he would get all the benefits of social time in his mainstream class for lunch, recess, specials, and some academics, but also more small group instruction in math and writing with a special education teacher who understands how some autistic kids tend to learn. So far, this has been a great set up for Jayson. He is doing well academically and seems to be the happiest I've ever seen him socially. But I notice his "special education" label has some treating him differently this year. In his mainstream class he was automatically put in the lowest spelling group without a solid evaluation, while in his special ed class he is regularly scoring 100% on spelling words that are right on a "normal" second grade level. Assignments given to the rest of the mainstream class are made "optional" for Jayson. This is unacceptable. My son is not incapable, he just learns much differently from the mainstream. With a little extra time and perhaps a few different teaching methods, he can actually do quite well or better than some of the kids in his regular class! Now I know classroom teachers are totally overwhelmed so I'm giving his teacher the benefit of the doubt, but I can't shake that nagging feeling that my son was automatically labeled as slow and incapable. I think a few email exchanges with the teacher have changed that, though, and she's been more inclined to send things home and ask for parent back up and reteaching (which we are more than glad to do). And on a side note, I support all teachers and understand how hard it is to handle a large class of kids with many different needs. I have to admit that I was probably guilty of putting the same labels on kids when I was a teacher. I have obviously since learned my lesson.
The second incident is just plain old my fault. I know a woman that I instantly labeled in a negative way. I decided that everything she did was wrong and silently (and not so silently) judged her. Well the past few months have afforded me the opportunity to get to know her a little bit better and I have to say I was totally wrong about her and I feel completely ashamed of myself. Sure I might not agree with some of her decisions, but I have come to know her as a really nice and caring person. If I would have hung onto those labels for too long, I would have surely missed out on having her in my life.
The truth is, labels are stupid because people are too complex to fit into them. Your crazy Uncle might also be completely brilliant. Your cranky neighbor might be lonely and looking for friendship, your flighty friend might also be the most generous hearted person you know. And your difficult child might also be the source of your greatest joys (I speak from experience for sure!). Perhaps instead of pasting labels on everyone around us, we should offer up some grace and some understanding. I know I've learned my lessons, and I hope for my son's sake, other people learn that lesson as well.
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