As many of my friends know, my family has eagerly been awaiting the birth of my sister's second baby girl. Thanks to a well-timed day off from school, the kids and I were able to travel to Iowa Monday night and Tuesday and be there for the birth of little Betsy Lou. In fact, Jayson was the third family member to hold her, after her Mom and Dad. Betsy is happy and healthy and my sister can finally get on the road to recovery, since pregnancy was not very nice to her body this time around. There is nothing like a new baby. You sit there in the hospital and behold this little miracle, marveling at the fact that just hours ago she was curled up inside another human being. You ogle at every yawn, every little grunt, every little peek of the eyes. New babies hold so much hope and promise because you truly have before you a blank slate. To put it more bluntly - you haven't had a chance to screw them up yet.
I think I had about 3 hours after Katy was born where I could have been considered a perfect parent. I was still a little shell shocked, but managed to handle my first nursing feeding with aplomb. I changed her first poopy diaper like a pro, snuggled with her for awhile, and then sent her off to the nursery so they could clean her off, run some tests, and do whatever else they do in there. By the time they brought her back to me later that evening I was already a complete mess. I was a panicked new mom who became anxious over EVERYTHING. I worried about sleep schedule, feeding schedule and getting enough bonding time - mind you, I worried incessantly about this while STILL IN THE HOSPITAL! You can only imagine my anxiety level when I brought her home. Fast forward nearly 4 years and I remember thinking things would be different when Jayson was born. I knew what to do with a new baby so the second time around would go smoothly, right? Wrong. I was as panicked as ever, this time worrying not only about the new baby's schedule, but how I was going to turn little Katy's life upside down. In my early years as a parent, I truly did not have any confidence in myself. I loved my children more than anything, but was convinced I was doing a terrible job and ruining them every step of the way.
Ironically, it has been my more challenging child that has helped me gain a bit more confidence in my parenting. Yes he has autism, and yes he has social struggles, but many of the decisions Erik and I have made in parenting him have really paid off. We keep his home a calm place, don't overload him with too much madness, keep his routines as normal as possible, instill in him a strong school work ethic, introduce new experiences like sports and camp, and carefully surround him with nice kids who can be good social models and treat him kindly. At nearly 8 1/2 years old, Jayson is doing better than I ever though he would. I still wish I could sit and have deeper and more meaningful conversations with him, but perhaps that will come with time. I think our genuine love and acceptance of Jayson has been the best parenting strategy.
Even more ironically, it is the OTHER child - the straight A, sweet, caring, kind, helpful daughter that most often causes me to have some parenting gut checks. On the surface, Katy makes me look like a complete parenting success. She is smart, and very successful in school. She is sweet and shy and virtually never sasses me or acts inappropriately. But I look at her and see a very big way my parenting has negatively impacted her - Katy lacks confidence in herself and is an incessant worrier - everything makes her anxious. I truly believe she got that vibe from me from a very early age. My anxiousness made her anxious. My worrying caused her to worry. My lack of confidence in me caused her to doubt herself.
I think I always knew this in the back of my mind, but I really thought a lot about it on the drive home from Iowa yesterday. Fresh off our hospital visit and snuggles with her new baby cousin, Katy asked me all kinds of questions about what it was like when she was born and what it's like to be a new mom. I told her about all the magic and wonder, but also admitted to her my struggles. As I told her how anxious and worried I was I admitted that I now feel like a fool for doubting myself so much. I told her how I wished I had believed in myself more. And then I turned it around and told her that I wanted HER to believe in herself more. I implored her not to make my same mistakes. I tried to show her that a lot of her anxiousness stems from me, which in turn should make it easier for her to disown. It was a good conversation, and another example of how admitting and examining our own faults makes us stronger and better.
So I encourage everyone to do the occasional "gut check". Are there things you are doing (or not doing) as a parent that you know might affect your kids? It's more than OK if there are - none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. But the biggest mistake of them all is ignoring it and never admitting it. Let's teach our kids that gut checks are a good way to recalibrate yourself, and that you are never too old face mistakes. After you do that, go and look at pictures of my new niece. She's adorable...
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