Failure - It's A Good Thing...

Why are we parents so afraid to let our kids fail? Why do we fear mediocrity? Why do we often have this compulsive need to always give our kids a leg up? I've been wrestling with this question on many different levels lately with regards to both of my children, but this past weekend provided a wonderful example of why it's more than OK to let our children experience (gasp) not being the best at everything they do. 

As many of you know, Katy is a figure skater.  She's not a great one, but she's also not a terrible one.  Figure skating is full of drama - most of which, sadly, is provided by the parents.  I find this to be true in any sport, really.  For whatever reason, my generation tends to have this obsessive need to make sure our kids are "always on the best team".  We start them in a sport earlier and earlier (soon there will be fetus leagues), and as soon possible some of us rush to put them on the coveted TRAVEL TEAM.  God forbid we let them waste away on the lowly park district recreational team.  And if our kids aren't chosen for those teams, or we think our kids are just so darn fantastic that they shouldn't be on the travel team, we simply quit that particular organization and form a new one.  And sports never end - there is winter soccer and winter baseball and indoor track and thus any sport can be done all year long.  I'll be curious to watch our kids as they get older to see how many of them burn out, or worse, get seriously injured from the rigorous training we put them through.  Now, I can already hear the indignant retorts of many of you, so let me assure you that I am not immune to the draw of youth sports.  My son will soon be a 3 sport kid - karate, football, and baseball.  He is happy as a clam on those rec teams, however, and we have Jayson in sports for different reasons than most parents so I feel like I can give myself a pass with him. 

But I CONSTANTLY have to keep myself in check with my daughter.  Katy started skating when she was in first grade, mainly because her entire rec soccer team went over to travel and Erik and I just weren't ready to make that leap.  We signed her up for lessons and laced up the rental skates.  For 2 years she happily moved along in skate school.  It wasn't a huge time commitment and it wasn't really that expensive.  Then one day someone asked if Katy wanted to try the Synchronized Skating team.  I had never even heard of such a thing but it was a relatively cheap beginner team and she seemed to like it during the tryouts.  She had a great time that year and we happily stayed in our oblivious bubble, not really understanding how crazy this sport could become.  As time wore on, the reality of the sport hit us.  In order to be "successful" in individual figure skating, you better be prepared to spend gobs of money, and put your child on the ice for hours each day.  This was not going to happen with Katy.  Not only could we not afford it, but I was weary of the time commitment.  So we decided team synchro skating was the route to go.  We loved the fact that she could make tons of friends, and we felt is was a cheaper way of enjoying the sport of ice skating.  But like any other sport, not all teams were seen as equal.  And you had "pay to play" so to speak. 

But at the end of that year, most of the girls in her team organization left to go more successful teams.  Katy's program never had a great reputation and the girls and parents were sick of losing.  A small core of us decided to stick around and see if we could help the new coach build a program.  I'd love to say we did this out of selflessness and a good heart, but really most of us just couldn't afford to go to the glitzier teams.  And so for the next two years, Katy's synchro team finished at or near the bottom in every competition.  It was hard to watch.  At the end of every year more girls would leave to go to more successful teams, but still some of us stayed, this time because our girls had become very close friends.  And although our girls didn't like losing, they chose the friendships thay had found over the medals they could probably get elsewhere.  And in the mean time, they continued to practice, continued to try to improve themselves, and continued to learn that life doesn't end if you come in last place.  And as high and mighty as I may sound (I'm really trying hard not to), I will totally admit that I thought about leaving at the end of every year - it was my daughter who insisted on staying. 

But after 2 long years of relative failure, a funny thing happened.  The coaches continued to build the program at the lower levels, and the higher level girls kept the bulk of their team together.  They continued to practice, and continued to work hard, and they grew up and became a little stronger.  The coaches encouraged them to work on invidual skills and most of us parents tried our hardest to make that happen without breaking the bank.  All along the way the girls became even better friends, and the parents grew closer as well.  In our own weird way, we had become a family of sorts (wildly dysfunctional, but what family isn't? lol.) Losing didn't bother us any more.  And you know what? That's when the team started winning.  This year the girls have earned their very first medals in synchro skating, and this past weekend brought their first ever Gold.  You could have knocked those girls over with a feather when their coach showed them those medals - us parents as well.  Years of "failure" only made their success sweeter.  And along the way our girls learned valuable lessons - it's OK not to be the best, you can still find fun in sports when you don't win, and there is joy to be found in all your experienes - even if those experiences don't end successfully. 

I suspect next year these girls will be competing on a different level since many of them are getting older.  I could be wrong, and I hope I am, but I think it's likely they will find themselves out of medal contention next year as they get used to new levels and new skating skills.  But regardless of what next year brings, I am confident they will enjoy themselves whether they come in first place or last place.  So it's fun to watch them bask in the glow of gold right now, but it's even nicer to know they don't need it.  We parents (me included) need to remember that...