So I read the most amazing article last week called "How to Land Your Kid in Therapy" (see the entire article here http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/07/how-to-land-your-kid-in-therapy/8555/ ). It introduced me to the concept of the "helicopter parent" - the parent who puts 100% of herself into her children, providing them with every opportunity possible, encouraging and cheerleading their every move, and sheltering them from even the slightest bit of discomfort and disappointment. I know parents like this. Sometimes I can be this parent. Sometimes, when I fall into the trap of measuring my self worth by my children's successes, I even STRIVE to be this parent - after all, a happy and successful kid means I did my job, right? Uh, no. Not even close.
The article is written by a therapist who began to see adults in their late 20's and 30's who were coming to her for help with anxiety and depression. When she began to dig deeper into their upbringings she expected to find the textbook parenting "mistakes" - divorce, withholding of love, constant belittling, you name it. Instead she found quite the opposite. The adults sitting on her couch couldn't say enough wonderful things about their parents and all the love and opportunity that was showered on them. These patients felt all the more guilty for being depressed and unhappy. After all their parents had done for them, why were they still so lost? One psychiatrist pointed out "many parents will do anything to avoid having their kids experience even mild discomfort, anxiety, or disappointment, with the result that when, as adults, they experience the normal frustrations of life, they think something must be terribly wrong." I think this last statement hit home the hardest. Life certainly does throw curveballs at you. Career choices turn out to be wrong, jobs become mundane, friendships go down bad roads, marriages hit some rocky times, financial woes rear their ugly heads, and many other unpleasant things pop up to derail the course of our lives. Truth is, most of these curveballs are NORMAL! Not every second of marriage is rosy, not every job will make us millionaires, and our kids will not always be perfectly behaved. Do we want to raise children that expect a perfect life? What happens when reality hits them square in the face? Isn't it better to let them know that life will most definitely be a rollercoaster of ups and downs? In the midst of especially hard times or especially good times, Erik and I will often turn to each other and say a simple statement, "Peaks and valleys, huh? Peaks and valleys". We have had both good and challenging times come our way. If there is one thing we have learned, the valleys make the peaks so much more gratifying. I want my kids to have the confidence that they can overcome the rough patches in life - and they won't know that unless I let them experience it.
An even more disturbing effect of helicopter parenting is the blurring of the line between high self esteem and out and out narcissism. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the upswing of narcissism in our culture. Our need to post every minutia of our lives on facebook (guilty here), blog (guilty again), and constantly check our mail and text inboxes is a reflection of our inflated self importance. This will only get worse with our children, apparently. A professor of psychology writes, " ...parents act like their servants, shuttling them to any activity they choose and catering to their every desire. Parents are constantly telling their children how special and talented they are. This gives them an inflated view of their specialness compared to other human beings." She goes on to say that these kids grow up and have trouble working in teams, and have a hard time in unstructured environments, since they had been provided with structure for their entire lives. She says these kids grow up to be adults who believe they don't have the ability to solve problems - and they don't, because problems were always being solved for them. We've also demonized the concept of "average". God forbid we have an average child. I once attended a mom's conference where the speaker implored us to "delight in your ordinary child". Not every kid will be best and the brightest. It's easy as a parent to bask in the glows of talented children, and you are kidding yourself if you don't admit that children with no clear dominance in any one area gives us our own anxiety. Perhaps that is why we shuffle our kids from activity to activity, trying to find the thing that they shine at. Now I'm not saying it's not our job as parents to help our kids find what they are good at, but it's probably more important to stress that they find something they enjoy - even if they stink at it. I admit Jayson isn't very good at Karate, but he sure does love it.
I have to tell you, this article really hit me hard. I would like to think I"m not acting like a helicopter parent, but I know that most of us have a hard time recognizing or admitting our own failings. I've said many times that, as I near 40, I realize that the biggest part of being an adult is confessing that we don't know it all, we are sometimes (often times?) wrong, and we always have room for improvement. I think I can improve in this area of my parenting for sure. Now this doesn't mean that I'm leaving my kids to their own devices while I sit on the couch and eat bon bons (although that does sound lovely). But you can bet that I'm going to loosen the reigns a little bit. I will stop handing out advice like candy to my daughter, and start letting her figure out some issues on her own. I'm going to resist the urge to sugar coat everything. Her skating team is having a pretty rough year this year. I've been trying to play up the positives and have told her repeatedly how wonderful the team looks. Maybe the lesson she needs to learn is that no matter how hard you work and how hard you try, you won't always be top tier. At the end of the day, you have to be happy with the amount of effort you have put in, but you also need to admit when you are out of your element and decide if you can be happy doing the activity without all the accolades. I'm already researching sleep away camps so she can spend a week with complete strangers and really get a sense of who she is and who she wants to be. I'm going to try my hardest to give Jayson a little more breathing space, since he is the child my helicopter hovers over the most. I know in my heart the greatest way I can help him is to let him learn to help himself. And I'm going to (gulp) let them both fail at things. Hopefully the more they fail and rebound, the more confident they will become.
So do yourself a favor and read the article. Perhaps you will take offense, or perhaps you will deem it nonsense. I certainly don't think I have all the answers, but it's important to at least check ourselves with periodic questions. In the mean time, I have a lot of strategic letting go to do...
Monday, January 23, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Resolutions
I don't normally make resolutions. I feel it just sets me up for failure and who needs that stress right after the holidays? But this year seems different. The past year has brought so many changes in me that I think I have naturally been moving towards some new attitudes. For the first time in a long time, I am starting 2012 with 2 resolutions. One will be achieved come hell or high water, and the other will probably continue to be a work in progress.
My first resolution is, as you know, to run a marathon. Training officially started on December 19th, although it has been ramped up since I stuck a 1/2 marathon into the mix next weekend. I'm feeling pretty darn good about achieving this resolution. There are surely unseen forces guiding me to success in this goal - how else could we Chicagoans explain temperatures near 50 degrees with no snow or ice to be found in the beginning of January? Surely God is watching out for me and knows I will need a little divine intervention to make winter training a reality. Sorry kids - I know you want to go sledding, but Mama has to train for the big 26.2. We shall see how long this great weather lasts...
My second resolution has been a long time coming and takes on many forms in my life. This year, and hopefully for the rest of my life, I am going to work harder on cultivating a life of contentment. On the surface this looks like an easy resolution - how hard is it to be content? In all honesty I think our culture makes contentment darn near impossible. Walk into any store, watch any TV commercial, go visit a friend with a nicer house than you, listen to someone describe their latest vacation - you get the idea. There is always something better, something nicer, something more fun "out there". We are on a constant quest to make our lives perfect, aren't we? If we just had new carpeting, or remodeled the kitchen, or got a new haircut, or found the perfect pair of jeans, or went to Disney World, or or or or or...
On a consumer level, I think I do a pretty good job. I avoid stores (and NEVER go to the mall), and rarely get suckered in by the latest and greatest thing (except I really covet an iPad - darn it!!). I can be blissfully happy with a library book, and a skein of yarn and some knitting needles. I'm a cheap date. I usually don't buy clothes until the favorite items I have are beyond repair - and I'm one of the only ladies I know who gets by on 4 pairs of shoes (OK, not including my running shoes). Anyone who has ever been to my house knows I'm not a slave to home decor. Although I admire the beautiful homes of other people, I'm pretty happy with the plain and simple house I currently have. I actually cringe when Erik talks about repainting or buying a picture for the wall. He is finishing a spare room in the basement for his parents and has asked me a few times how I want to decorate it. I told him to take the reigns and figure it out for himself - I have no interest. So perhaps I've cultivated more of a life of avoidance than contentment here - but hey, I AM content.
But it's the other areas of my life where I find myself trapped. Our culture not only teaches us to strive for it's version of happiness in the stores, it also woos us into chasing "perfection" in our personal lives and in the lives of our children. Being busy is worn like a badge of honor in America. The more friends we have, social engagements on the calendar, activities for our kids, involvement in schools and church, the better. I want to be more purposeful at this stage in my life deciding what is really necessary to fulfill me and I want my kids to be able to do the same. This means saying no to things - not because I can't do them, or because I don't like the person who has asked, or even because I don't want to. I need to start saying no to things that bring too much craziness into our lives. In other words, I need to be content with less.
Which brings me to my children. I was once at a Mom's conference and a speaker uttered the phrase "Comparison kills contentment". These words have resonated with me time and time again and in the past year this phrase has been ringing in my ears more loudly than ever. I think this saying is true in many areas of our lives, but it hits me really hard as a parent. As you know, I have a far from "perfect" son. He will never be a straight A student, and social awkwardness will continue to bedevil him for the rest of his life. He may or may not ever excel at athletics (although he can catch and throw a football like nobody's business - I'm just sayin'), and it's unlikely he will be in the "popular" crowd at school. Nothing is harder than watching Jayson around other kids his age, because I immediately start to (you guessed it) compare, compare, compare. And the more I compare him the less contentment I feel. When I pay attention to these emotions, I become more practiced in seeing the gifts and blessings that my son brings to me. He may not be the best writer in his class, but he loves school and his face lights up when he succeeds. He may not fly up the ranks in karate very quickly, but when he masters a kata he is SO proud of himself and sets his sights on the next belt. He may struggle with friendships, but when he finds a child who understands him and accepts him, I can literally see him physically relax and his face radiates with pure joy. I'd say that brings me a heck of a lot of contentment. I think Jayson's greatest gift to me is he will force me to let go of our culture's notion of "perfection" and "achievement". He will never reach it, anyways, so doesn't it make more sense that we redefine those notions and be content with them? In all honesty, reaching our culture's definition of success and achievement and happiness is just plain exhausting anyway.
I see this with my daughter as well. Katy is 11 years old and heading straight into the lion's mouth of contentment killing comparison - middle school. I am hoping she can navigate her way through the jungle and come up with her own definitions of contentment - definitions that don't include the labels on her clothes or what kind of phone she carries. I hope she can be content with finding a few true friends, rather than chasing the "popular' crowd who never seem stop chasing the idea of perfection. I think Katy already learned a lesson about contentment just recently with her ice skating. Katy is on a synchronized skating team and also takes individual lessons. Skating is a sport that one can really only excel in if they put in the time for coaching and practice. There are girls she knows that skate 6 days a week for many hours a day - and these girls are, in fact, very good at ice skating. Probably better than Katy will ever be. But not only can our family not afford more time on the ice, we are very wary of letting ice skating take over her life. So we talked to her about what she really loved about the sport and what her goals were. If she could honestly tell me that she loved it so much she was willing to dedicate the bulk of her time to it, then we would try hard to make that happen. But Katy told us the best thing about skating was being with her friends. So we decided to keep her on the synchro team (a relatively cheap way to enjoy the sport of skating), and keep her individual skating to a more reasonable and affordable once a week. She won't be as good as most girls at that rink to be sure, but I'm pretty sure she's content with that.
So 2012 will hopefully continue to shape my feelings of contentment. I'm already finding happiness in much simpler things. I'm hoping I don't alienate myself too badly from the culture around me. And I hope I reach that marathon goal in May. To be honest, I have no time goal. I'll be CONTENT with just crossing the finish line on my feet and with a pulse. Happy New Year everyone!
My first resolution is, as you know, to run a marathon. Training officially started on December 19th, although it has been ramped up since I stuck a 1/2 marathon into the mix next weekend. I'm feeling pretty darn good about achieving this resolution. There are surely unseen forces guiding me to success in this goal - how else could we Chicagoans explain temperatures near 50 degrees with no snow or ice to be found in the beginning of January? Surely God is watching out for me and knows I will need a little divine intervention to make winter training a reality. Sorry kids - I know you want to go sledding, but Mama has to train for the big 26.2. We shall see how long this great weather lasts...
My second resolution has been a long time coming and takes on many forms in my life. This year, and hopefully for the rest of my life, I am going to work harder on cultivating a life of contentment. On the surface this looks like an easy resolution - how hard is it to be content? In all honesty I think our culture makes contentment darn near impossible. Walk into any store, watch any TV commercial, go visit a friend with a nicer house than you, listen to someone describe their latest vacation - you get the idea. There is always something better, something nicer, something more fun "out there". We are on a constant quest to make our lives perfect, aren't we? If we just had new carpeting, or remodeled the kitchen, or got a new haircut, or found the perfect pair of jeans, or went to Disney World, or or or or or...
On a consumer level, I think I do a pretty good job. I avoid stores (and NEVER go to the mall), and rarely get suckered in by the latest and greatest thing (except I really covet an iPad - darn it!!). I can be blissfully happy with a library book, and a skein of yarn and some knitting needles. I'm a cheap date. I usually don't buy clothes until the favorite items I have are beyond repair - and I'm one of the only ladies I know who gets by on 4 pairs of shoes (OK, not including my running shoes). Anyone who has ever been to my house knows I'm not a slave to home decor. Although I admire the beautiful homes of other people, I'm pretty happy with the plain and simple house I currently have. I actually cringe when Erik talks about repainting or buying a picture for the wall. He is finishing a spare room in the basement for his parents and has asked me a few times how I want to decorate it. I told him to take the reigns and figure it out for himself - I have no interest. So perhaps I've cultivated more of a life of avoidance than contentment here - but hey, I AM content.
But it's the other areas of my life where I find myself trapped. Our culture not only teaches us to strive for it's version of happiness in the stores, it also woos us into chasing "perfection" in our personal lives and in the lives of our children. Being busy is worn like a badge of honor in America. The more friends we have, social engagements on the calendar, activities for our kids, involvement in schools and church, the better. I want to be more purposeful at this stage in my life deciding what is really necessary to fulfill me and I want my kids to be able to do the same. This means saying no to things - not because I can't do them, or because I don't like the person who has asked, or even because I don't want to. I need to start saying no to things that bring too much craziness into our lives. In other words, I need to be content with less.
Which brings me to my children. I was once at a Mom's conference and a speaker uttered the phrase "Comparison kills contentment". These words have resonated with me time and time again and in the past year this phrase has been ringing in my ears more loudly than ever. I think this saying is true in many areas of our lives, but it hits me really hard as a parent. As you know, I have a far from "perfect" son. He will never be a straight A student, and social awkwardness will continue to bedevil him for the rest of his life. He may or may not ever excel at athletics (although he can catch and throw a football like nobody's business - I'm just sayin'), and it's unlikely he will be in the "popular" crowd at school. Nothing is harder than watching Jayson around other kids his age, because I immediately start to (you guessed it) compare, compare, compare. And the more I compare him the less contentment I feel. When I pay attention to these emotions, I become more practiced in seeing the gifts and blessings that my son brings to me. He may not be the best writer in his class, but he loves school and his face lights up when he succeeds. He may not fly up the ranks in karate very quickly, but when he masters a kata he is SO proud of himself and sets his sights on the next belt. He may struggle with friendships, but when he finds a child who understands him and accepts him, I can literally see him physically relax and his face radiates with pure joy. I'd say that brings me a heck of a lot of contentment. I think Jayson's greatest gift to me is he will force me to let go of our culture's notion of "perfection" and "achievement". He will never reach it, anyways, so doesn't it make more sense that we redefine those notions and be content with them? In all honesty, reaching our culture's definition of success and achievement and happiness is just plain exhausting anyway.
I see this with my daughter as well. Katy is 11 years old and heading straight into the lion's mouth of contentment killing comparison - middle school. I am hoping she can navigate her way through the jungle and come up with her own definitions of contentment - definitions that don't include the labels on her clothes or what kind of phone she carries. I hope she can be content with finding a few true friends, rather than chasing the "popular' crowd who never seem stop chasing the idea of perfection. I think Katy already learned a lesson about contentment just recently with her ice skating. Katy is on a synchronized skating team and also takes individual lessons. Skating is a sport that one can really only excel in if they put in the time for coaching and practice. There are girls she knows that skate 6 days a week for many hours a day - and these girls are, in fact, very good at ice skating. Probably better than Katy will ever be. But not only can our family not afford more time on the ice, we are very wary of letting ice skating take over her life. So we talked to her about what she really loved about the sport and what her goals were. If she could honestly tell me that she loved it so much she was willing to dedicate the bulk of her time to it, then we would try hard to make that happen. But Katy told us the best thing about skating was being with her friends. So we decided to keep her on the synchro team (a relatively cheap way to enjoy the sport of skating), and keep her individual skating to a more reasonable and affordable once a week. She won't be as good as most girls at that rink to be sure, but I'm pretty sure she's content with that.
So 2012 will hopefully continue to shape my feelings of contentment. I'm already finding happiness in much simpler things. I'm hoping I don't alienate myself too badly from the culture around me. And I hope I reach that marathon goal in May. To be honest, I have no time goal. I'll be CONTENT with just crossing the finish line on my feet and with a pulse. Happy New Year everyone!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Shamelessly Stealing Something this Christmas...
I'm hoping everyone doesn't feel this is a cop out, but I came across something on facebook yesterday that really hit me hard. I can't stop thinking about how it needs to be the blueprint for my life, and probably for everyone's life. Instead of writing my own post this week, I'm going to repost this wonderful article from the blog "Marc and Angel Hack Life" titled "30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself". I think if I worked hard on these 30 things, I would truly live my best life. Enjoy (and get working on your own lives...)
Here are some ideas to get you started:
30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself
As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Nothing could be closer to the truth. But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.When you stop chasing the wrong things you give
the right things a chance to catch you.
Here are some ideas to get you started:
- Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
- Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
- Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled
.
- Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
- Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
- Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
- Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
- Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
- Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
- Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness
.
- Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
- Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
- Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
- Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
- Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
- Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
- Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
- Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
- Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
- Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.
- Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
- Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
- Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done
.
- Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.
- Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
- Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
- Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.
- Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
- Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
- Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Halfway there...
So I ran my very first half marathon last weekend in Busse Woods in Elk Grove and Schaumburg. I think it was fitting that my first official race took place on the same trails my father used to train on all those years ago. In fact, he trained there for the Boston Marathon one winter, a race he would never get to run because he broke his ankle on a patch of ice. I thought a lot about my Dad while running that race (and a lot of other things since it takes me a LONG freaking time to run 13.1 miles...) Here is a small list of things I pondered during the 2 hours 14 minutes, and 38 seconds it took me to run my first race:
1. I couldn't BELIEVE the number of people that ran barefoot! Completely bare!! Never mind that it was 40 degrees outside - how about the insane amount of GOOSE POOP that littered the path! Eeeeeeeeeewwwwwww! This did nothing to help my fear of feet.
2. I was beaten (handily, mind you) by the following: an elderly couple (in their 70's I'm guessing), numerous children (probably Katy's age), all the barefoot runners, and a man in a full turkey suit. The race had some out and back parts so at the 10 mile mark you could see a bunch of people veering off to finish. That meant all those people passed me at least 3 miles ahead of me in the race. I took a little hit to my ego for sure with that turkey guy...
3. I was surprised at how much I enjoyed myself during the race. I was never tired, never bored, and just really stinking proud of how much my training had paid off. It was the first time in a long time I felt a sense of singular accomplishment. I started out all those months ago not even able to run a mile well. I ran through wind, rain, heat, and snow for the last 11 months and never missed a run. I haven't been this committed to something in years. While I ran I thought about all the solo training runs I did, sorting through life's problems along the way. I thought about all the runs I did with friends, and how those runs have cemented new friendships and allowed me to get to know 3 ladies so much better. I thought about how much healthier I feel and how I'm seeing muscles on myself that I never knew existed. And I thought about how much better I feel mentally. I can get pretty stressed out, but this year my stress levels have reached an all time low. I could attribute that to other things as well, but running sure helps your mental state to be sure.
4. Finally, I thought about the fact that in just over 5 months, I am supposed to double the distance and run the Wisconsin Marathon. As I crossed the finish line, one of my first thoughts was "I'll never be able to do it." I wasn't completely spent, but the thought of running another 13.1 miles was enough to make me cry. But as the day wore on and the excitement of the race settled in, I went back to last January when I could barely run down my street. I have 5 months to train for this. I have huge support from my family and friends. My father is giddy with excitement (and he doesn't get giddy). It won't be fast, and it won't be pretty, and it's going to take a lot of ibuprofen - but I can do this. I can do this. I will do this...
1. I couldn't BELIEVE the number of people that ran barefoot! Completely bare!! Never mind that it was 40 degrees outside - how about the insane amount of GOOSE POOP that littered the path! Eeeeeeeeeewwwwwww! This did nothing to help my fear of feet.
2. I was beaten (handily, mind you) by the following: an elderly couple (in their 70's I'm guessing), numerous children (probably Katy's age), all the barefoot runners, and a man in a full turkey suit. The race had some out and back parts so at the 10 mile mark you could see a bunch of people veering off to finish. That meant all those people passed me at least 3 miles ahead of me in the race. I took a little hit to my ego for sure with that turkey guy...
3. I was surprised at how much I enjoyed myself during the race. I was never tired, never bored, and just really stinking proud of how much my training had paid off. It was the first time in a long time I felt a sense of singular accomplishment. I started out all those months ago not even able to run a mile well. I ran through wind, rain, heat, and snow for the last 11 months and never missed a run. I haven't been this committed to something in years. While I ran I thought about all the solo training runs I did, sorting through life's problems along the way. I thought about all the runs I did with friends, and how those runs have cemented new friendships and allowed me to get to know 3 ladies so much better. I thought about how much healthier I feel and how I'm seeing muscles on myself that I never knew existed. And I thought about how much better I feel mentally. I can get pretty stressed out, but this year my stress levels have reached an all time low. I could attribute that to other things as well, but running sure helps your mental state to be sure.
4. Finally, I thought about the fact that in just over 5 months, I am supposed to double the distance and run the Wisconsin Marathon. As I crossed the finish line, one of my first thoughts was "I'll never be able to do it." I wasn't completely spent, but the thought of running another 13.1 miles was enough to make me cry. But as the day wore on and the excitement of the race settled in, I went back to last January when I could barely run down my street. I have 5 months to train for this. I have huge support from my family and friends. My father is giddy with excitement (and he doesn't get giddy). It won't be fast, and it won't be pretty, and it's going to take a lot of ibuprofen - but I can do this. I can do this. I will do this...
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Labels - Who Needs Them??
I think we all have a tendency to label people in our lives. We all have the funny Uncle, the cranky neighbor, the flighty friend, the difficult child, etc. Most of the time, those labels are harmless, but 2 incidents this week have reminded me to be careful not to define people based on the labels we (often erroneously) give them.
The first incident happened with my son. Many years ago we struggled with giving him the big "A" label. We were afraid he would be ostracized by people who didn't understand what autism was all about. However, we quickly saw the benefit of the Autism label for him in preschool, as more and more helpful services were offered to him. As he continued to grow and mature, the label was helpful in other ways. His karate sensei always has a little extra patience for Jayson and, as a result, he is flourishing in that class. In fact, he has far surpassed what I ever thought he would do in karate. So labels have rarely hurt him - until this year. Erik and I made the decision to split his classroom time in 2nd grade between the mainstream class and the special education class, believing he would get all the benefits of social time in his mainstream class for lunch, recess, specials, and some academics, but also more small group instruction in math and writing with a special education teacher who understands how some autistic kids tend to learn. So far, this has been a great set up for Jayson. He is doing well academically and seems to be the happiest I've ever seen him socially. But I notice his "special education" label has some treating him differently this year. In his mainstream class he was automatically put in the lowest spelling group without a solid evaluation, while in his special ed class he is regularly scoring 100% on spelling words that are right on a "normal" second grade level. Assignments given to the rest of the mainstream class are made "optional" for Jayson. This is unacceptable. My son is not incapable, he just learns much differently from the mainstream. With a little extra time and perhaps a few different teaching methods, he can actually do quite well or better than some of the kids in his regular class! Now I know classroom teachers are totally overwhelmed so I'm giving his teacher the benefit of the doubt, but I can't shake that nagging feeling that my son was automatically labeled as slow and incapable. I think a few email exchanges with the teacher have changed that, though, and she's been more inclined to send things home and ask for parent back up and reteaching (which we are more than glad to do). And on a side note, I support all teachers and understand how hard it is to handle a large class of kids with many different needs. I have to admit that I was probably guilty of putting the same labels on kids when I was a teacher. I have obviously since learned my lesson.
The second incident is just plain old my fault. I know a woman that I instantly labeled in a negative way. I decided that everything she did was wrong and silently (and not so silently) judged her. Well the past few months have afforded me the opportunity to get to know her a little bit better and I have to say I was totally wrong about her and I feel completely ashamed of myself. Sure I might not agree with some of her decisions, but I have come to know her as a really nice and caring person. If I would have hung onto those labels for too long, I would have surely missed out on having her in my life.
The truth is, labels are stupid because people are too complex to fit into them. Your crazy Uncle might also be completely brilliant. Your cranky neighbor might be lonely and looking for friendship, your flighty friend might also be the most generous hearted person you know. And your difficult child might also be the source of your greatest joys (I speak from experience for sure!). Perhaps instead of pasting labels on everyone around us, we should offer up some grace and some understanding. I know I've learned my lessons, and I hope for my son's sake, other people learn that lesson as well.
The first incident happened with my son. Many years ago we struggled with giving him the big "A" label. We were afraid he would be ostracized by people who didn't understand what autism was all about. However, we quickly saw the benefit of the Autism label for him in preschool, as more and more helpful services were offered to him. As he continued to grow and mature, the label was helpful in other ways. His karate sensei always has a little extra patience for Jayson and, as a result, he is flourishing in that class. In fact, he has far surpassed what I ever thought he would do in karate. So labels have rarely hurt him - until this year. Erik and I made the decision to split his classroom time in 2nd grade between the mainstream class and the special education class, believing he would get all the benefits of social time in his mainstream class for lunch, recess, specials, and some academics, but also more small group instruction in math and writing with a special education teacher who understands how some autistic kids tend to learn. So far, this has been a great set up for Jayson. He is doing well academically and seems to be the happiest I've ever seen him socially. But I notice his "special education" label has some treating him differently this year. In his mainstream class he was automatically put in the lowest spelling group without a solid evaluation, while in his special ed class he is regularly scoring 100% on spelling words that are right on a "normal" second grade level. Assignments given to the rest of the mainstream class are made "optional" for Jayson. This is unacceptable. My son is not incapable, he just learns much differently from the mainstream. With a little extra time and perhaps a few different teaching methods, he can actually do quite well or better than some of the kids in his regular class! Now I know classroom teachers are totally overwhelmed so I'm giving his teacher the benefit of the doubt, but I can't shake that nagging feeling that my son was automatically labeled as slow and incapable. I think a few email exchanges with the teacher have changed that, though, and she's been more inclined to send things home and ask for parent back up and reteaching (which we are more than glad to do). And on a side note, I support all teachers and understand how hard it is to handle a large class of kids with many different needs. I have to admit that I was probably guilty of putting the same labels on kids when I was a teacher. I have obviously since learned my lesson.
The second incident is just plain old my fault. I know a woman that I instantly labeled in a negative way. I decided that everything she did was wrong and silently (and not so silently) judged her. Well the past few months have afforded me the opportunity to get to know her a little bit better and I have to say I was totally wrong about her and I feel completely ashamed of myself. Sure I might not agree with some of her decisions, but I have come to know her as a really nice and caring person. If I would have hung onto those labels for too long, I would have surely missed out on having her in my life.
The truth is, labels are stupid because people are too complex to fit into them. Your crazy Uncle might also be completely brilliant. Your cranky neighbor might be lonely and looking for friendship, your flighty friend might also be the most generous hearted person you know. And your difficult child might also be the source of your greatest joys (I speak from experience for sure!). Perhaps instead of pasting labels on everyone around us, we should offer up some grace and some understanding. I know I've learned my lessons, and I hope for my son's sake, other people learn that lesson as well.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Facebook Ain't Your Friend...
I am a total Facebook addict - I totally admit it. I check the site many times throughout the day and use it to keep in touch with friends near and far. I love getting the latest pictures and videos of my baby niece who lives far away, and love hearing about the day to day lives of my friends. Okay, okay, and I also play A LOT of Bejeweled and Zuma Blitz. It's been great to get back in touch with some old high school friends, and a neat way to reconnect with some of my old students from my teaching days. All in all, I think Facebook has some wonderful uses.
Lately, however, I have been contemplating the negatives of Facebook. Besides the obvious time suck, I don't like how it messes with my head and turns me into a 15 year old idiot at times. You see, I'm one of those lame people who gets their feelings hurt on Facebook. Go ahead and make fun of me. I'm a little sad when I see my friends merrily facebooking with each other and not with me. I'm hurt when I post something personal and some of my good friends don't respond. And it's hard to see pics of events you weren't invited to.
After feeling this way for the past few months, I have finally decided that it's time to give myself a cyber slap in the face and "Snap out of it!!!!". For goodness sake, a 39 year old woman needs to grow up sometime. Letting my feeling get hurt because of Facebook is the ultimate in stupidity and lets technology have way too much of a hold on me. I love Facebook, but it's a bad thing when we try to infer too much emotion from what we type on our walls. I admit, too, that Facebook feeds our narcissism and makes us believe everything we have to say is of the utmost importance (ironic from a girl writing a blog, eh? Trust me, I see the irony.)
So I think it's high time to put Facebook in it's place. It's a great way to keep in contact with those far way, and a fun place to banter with friends nearby. But it's NOT a replacement for real friendship, and putting that kind of pressure on a web site is just plain dumb. Deeper friendships take place off the computer screen. So I'm going to keep Facebook in it's place, keep posting my daily minutia, and of course keep working on my Blitz scores. I'm just not going to take my cyber friends so personally anymore. My deeper connections occur at knitting nights, on my weekly runs with friends, on my phone conversations, and in other get togethers I have every single day. And I'll definitely keep blogging. I have found it a great way to work through issues that cloud my head on a day to day basis. Plus, who isn't a little bit narcissistic??? See you all on Facebook (or better yet, in person!).
Lately, however, I have been contemplating the negatives of Facebook. Besides the obvious time suck, I don't like how it messes with my head and turns me into a 15 year old idiot at times. You see, I'm one of those lame people who gets their feelings hurt on Facebook. Go ahead and make fun of me. I'm a little sad when I see my friends merrily facebooking with each other and not with me. I'm hurt when I post something personal and some of my good friends don't respond. And it's hard to see pics of events you weren't invited to.
After feeling this way for the past few months, I have finally decided that it's time to give myself a cyber slap in the face and "Snap out of it!!!!". For goodness sake, a 39 year old woman needs to grow up sometime. Letting my feeling get hurt because of Facebook is the ultimate in stupidity and lets technology have way too much of a hold on me. I love Facebook, but it's a bad thing when we try to infer too much emotion from what we type on our walls. I admit, too, that Facebook feeds our narcissism and makes us believe everything we have to say is of the utmost importance (ironic from a girl writing a blog, eh? Trust me, I see the irony.)
So I think it's high time to put Facebook in it's place. It's a great way to keep in contact with those far way, and a fun place to banter with friends nearby. But it's NOT a replacement for real friendship, and putting that kind of pressure on a web site is just plain dumb. Deeper friendships take place off the computer screen. So I'm going to keep Facebook in it's place, keep posting my daily minutia, and of course keep working on my Blitz scores. I'm just not going to take my cyber friends so personally anymore. My deeper connections occur at knitting nights, on my weekly runs with friends, on my phone conversations, and in other get togethers I have every single day. And I'll definitely keep blogging. I have found it a great way to work through issues that cloud my head on a day to day basis. Plus, who isn't a little bit narcissistic??? See you all on Facebook (or better yet, in person!).
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Let It Go...
I had a pretty bizarre encounter last week while on a run with 2 of my friends. To make a long story short, an elderly couple was not too thrilled to have to share the road with us. Rather than beep their horn, perhaps give a stern glance, or even call out to us to be more careful and use the sidewalks, they decided to purposefully run us off the road, roll down their window, and literally scream curse words at us and call us a pretty awful name. These folks had a look of absolute fury on their faces, even though we were in no way endangering them, nor them us (well, until they tried to run us off the road, but I digress...) I was fairly shocked at the time, but managed to laugh about it afterwards because it was just so darn crazy. Just a few days later I witnessed another person treating someone else with a complete lack of compassion and a hate filled heart. This incident did not make me laugh because it involved people I knew and not some random strangers on the road. What on earth causes some folks to harbor so much hatred in their lives?
The truth is, those are the extreme cases and in my gut I think some people's hearts have just hardened beyond belief. But I think many of us are guilty of lashing out, treating others unkindly, or just acting like an idiot quite often - even though in our hearts, we are good people who are just trying to do our best. Upon doing my own reflections I think so much of it has to do with our ability to let things go - forgive and forget. We've all heard it before and dispense this advice to others and try to do it ourselves - but it's not quite so easy. I think it's human nature to keep a record of all the wrongs done to us. I don't know if it's how we justify our own bad behavior, or if we use other people's transgressions to make ourselves feel superior. But in the heat of an argument, it's the most commonly used form of defense - "Oh yeah? You're mad at me for that?? Well how about the time you did (fill in the blank)?" It never works, of course, and just manages to deflect the real issue and dig up all kinds of awful feelings and emotions all around.
But even worse, constantly keeping a tally of wrongs weakens our relationships with the people we care about. It causes a permanent wedge between folks. And as the years go by, our inability to let some things go might prevent us from having some truly spectacular connections with those around us. The longer we hang on to the garbage, the longer it has to become a part of our emotional fabric, and the harder it is to let it go, thus perpetuating a nasty cycle. Now I wish I had the magical answer to how to truly forgive and forget. I think a great first step is to be able to admit that you are guilty of doing it. The older I become the more I'm trying to own my part in my relationship problems. You can bet in my first years of marriage I would dig in my heels and try to win every argument. I wasn't going to be the first one to say sorry, no sirree. But 15 years later, I've noticed that both Erik and I have learned how to fight productively. We get mad at each other for sure, but usually in a very short amount of time, when the height of the emotion has passed, we are able to truly say we are sorry, acknowledge our fault (and we are BOTH always at fault somehow), and move on. Erik is truly the one person I can say I forgive and forget wrongs with on a regular basis. I don't keep a running record in my head to throw back in his face later. I shouldn't be surprised, then, that my marriage is also the strongest and healthiest relationship I have.
I know, however, that I have a lot of work to do in other areas of my life, with other people in my life. It takes a lot of emotional maturity to truly forgive and forget, and I may never totally get there. But it's certainly worth it to keep working on it. And just because we are mature in age, doesn't mean we automatically mature in other areas. It's taken years (39 of them for me to be exact) to make us who we are, good and bad. We hang on to bad relationship habits for many reasons - the largest, I suspect, is the armor it provides our hearts. But if we surround our hearts with too much defensive protection, it won't just keep out the bad guys, it will keep out the good guys as well. I've seen it happen and I've seen it bring isolation and loneliness to people in the later years of their lives. I've seen it render them unable to form meaningful relationships. And that's no way to live.
So I'm hoping that I find continual success working at this in my own life, and I hope all of you think about the role it plays in your life as well. I don't think any of us want to be that old person someday, rolling down our windows, and screaming viscous curses at the world. Truly we can all find a way to somehow let it go...
The truth is, those are the extreme cases and in my gut I think some people's hearts have just hardened beyond belief. But I think many of us are guilty of lashing out, treating others unkindly, or just acting like an idiot quite often - even though in our hearts, we are good people who are just trying to do our best. Upon doing my own reflections I think so much of it has to do with our ability to let things go - forgive and forget. We've all heard it before and dispense this advice to others and try to do it ourselves - but it's not quite so easy. I think it's human nature to keep a record of all the wrongs done to us. I don't know if it's how we justify our own bad behavior, or if we use other people's transgressions to make ourselves feel superior. But in the heat of an argument, it's the most commonly used form of defense - "Oh yeah? You're mad at me for that?? Well how about the time you did (fill in the blank)?" It never works, of course, and just manages to deflect the real issue and dig up all kinds of awful feelings and emotions all around.
But even worse, constantly keeping a tally of wrongs weakens our relationships with the people we care about. It causes a permanent wedge between folks. And as the years go by, our inability to let some things go might prevent us from having some truly spectacular connections with those around us. The longer we hang on to the garbage, the longer it has to become a part of our emotional fabric, and the harder it is to let it go, thus perpetuating a nasty cycle. Now I wish I had the magical answer to how to truly forgive and forget. I think a great first step is to be able to admit that you are guilty of doing it. The older I become the more I'm trying to own my part in my relationship problems. You can bet in my first years of marriage I would dig in my heels and try to win every argument. I wasn't going to be the first one to say sorry, no sirree. But 15 years later, I've noticed that both Erik and I have learned how to fight productively. We get mad at each other for sure, but usually in a very short amount of time, when the height of the emotion has passed, we are able to truly say we are sorry, acknowledge our fault (and we are BOTH always at fault somehow), and move on. Erik is truly the one person I can say I forgive and forget wrongs with on a regular basis. I don't keep a running record in my head to throw back in his face later. I shouldn't be surprised, then, that my marriage is also the strongest and healthiest relationship I have.
I know, however, that I have a lot of work to do in other areas of my life, with other people in my life. It takes a lot of emotional maturity to truly forgive and forget, and I may never totally get there. But it's certainly worth it to keep working on it. And just because we are mature in age, doesn't mean we automatically mature in other areas. It's taken years (39 of them for me to be exact) to make us who we are, good and bad. We hang on to bad relationship habits for many reasons - the largest, I suspect, is the armor it provides our hearts. But if we surround our hearts with too much defensive protection, it won't just keep out the bad guys, it will keep out the good guys as well. I've seen it happen and I've seen it bring isolation and loneliness to people in the later years of their lives. I've seen it render them unable to form meaningful relationships. And that's no way to live.
So I'm hoping that I find continual success working at this in my own life, and I hope all of you think about the role it plays in your life as well. I don't think any of us want to be that old person someday, rolling down our windows, and screaming viscous curses at the world. Truly we can all find a way to somehow let it go...
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