Shamelessly Stealing Something this Christmas...

I'm hoping everyone doesn't feel this is a cop out, but I came across something on facebook yesterday that really hit me hard.  I can't stop thinking about how it needs to be the blueprint for my life, and probably for everyone's life.  Instead of writing my own post this week, I'm going to repost this wonderful article from the blog "Marc and Angel Hack Life" titled "30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself".  I think if I worked hard on these 30 things, I would truly live my best life. Enjoy (and get working on your own lives...)

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

When you stop chasing the wrong things you give
the right things a chance to catch you.

As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.
Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.  Read The Road Less Traveled.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  Read Stumbling on Happiness.
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.  Read Getting Things Done.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Halfway there...

So I ran my very first half marathon last weekend in Busse Woods in Elk Grove and Schaumburg.  I think it was fitting that my first official race took place on the same trails my father used to train on all those years ago.  In fact, he trained there for the Boston Marathon one winter, a race he would never get to run because he broke his ankle on a patch of ice.  I thought a lot about my Dad while running that race (and a lot of other things since it takes me a LONG freaking time to run 13.1 miles...)  Here is a small list of things I pondered during the 2 hours 14 minutes, and 38 seconds it took me to run my first race:

1.  I couldn't BELIEVE the number of people that ran barefoot! Completely bare!! Never mind that it was 40 degrees outside - how about the insane amount of GOOSE POOP that littered the path! Eeeeeeeeeewwwwwww!  This did nothing to help my fear of feet.  

2.  I was beaten (handily, mind you) by the following:  an elderly couple (in their 70's I'm guessing), numerous children (probably Katy's age), all the barefoot runners, and a man in a full turkey suit.  The race had some out and back parts so at the 10 mile mark you could see a bunch of people veering off to finish.  That meant all those people passed me at least 3 miles ahead of me in the race. I took a little hit to my ego for sure with that  turkey guy...

3.   I was surprised at how much I enjoyed myself during the race.  I was never tired, never bored, and just really stinking proud of how much my training had paid off.  It was the first time in a long time I felt a sense of singular accomplishment.  I started out all those months ago not even able to run a mile well.  I ran through wind, rain, heat, and snow for the last 11 months and never missed a run.  I haven't been this committed to something in years.  While I ran I thought about all the solo training runs I did, sorting through life's problems along the way.  I thought about all the runs I did with friends, and how those runs have cemented new friendships and allowed me to get to know 3 ladies so much better.  I thought about how much healthier I feel and how I'm seeing muscles on myself that I never knew existed.  And I thought about how much better I feel mentally.  I can get pretty stressed out, but this year my stress levels have reached an all time low. I could attribute that to other things as well, but running sure helps your mental state to be sure.

4.  Finally, I thought about the fact that in just over 5 months, I am supposed to double the distance and run the Wisconsin Marathon.  As I crossed the finish line, one of my first thoughts was "I'll never be able to do it." I wasn't completely spent, but the thought of running another 13.1 miles was enough to make me cry.  But as the day wore on and the excitement of the race settled in, I went back to last January when I could barely run down my street.  I have 5 months to train for this. I have huge support from my family and friends.  My father is giddy with excitement (and he doesn't get giddy).   It won't be fast, and it won't be pretty, and it's going to take a lot of ibuprofen - but I can do this.  I can do this.  I will do this...

Labels - Who Needs Them??

I think we all have a tendency to label people in our lives.  We all have the funny Uncle, the cranky neighbor, the flighty friend, the difficult child, etc.  Most of the time, those labels are harmless, but 2 incidents this week have reminded me to be careful not to define people based on the labels we (often erroneously) give them.

The first incident happened with my son.  Many years ago we struggled with giving him the big "A" label.  We were afraid he would be ostracized by people who didn't understand what autism was all about.  However, we quickly saw the benefit of the Autism label for him in preschool, as more and more helpful services were offered to him.  As he continued to grow and mature, the label was helpful in other ways.  His karate sensei always has a little extra patience for Jayson and, as a result, he is flourishing in that class.  In fact, he has far surpassed what I ever thought he would do in karate.  So labels have rarely hurt him - until this year.  Erik and I made the decision to split his classroom time in 2nd grade between the mainstream class and the special education class, believing he would get all the benefits of social time in his mainstream class for lunch, recess, specials, and some academics, but also more small group instruction in math and writing with a special education teacher who understands how some autistic kids tend to learn.  So far, this has been a great set up for Jayson.  He is doing well academically and seems to be the happiest I've ever seen him socially.  But I notice his "special education" label has some treating him differently this year.  In his mainstream class he was automatically put in the lowest spelling group without a solid evaluation, while in his special ed class he is regularly scoring 100% on spelling words that are right on a "normal" second grade level.  Assignments given to the rest of the mainstream class are made "optional" for Jayson.  This is unacceptable.  My son is not incapable, he just learns much differently from the mainstream.  With a little extra time and perhaps a few different teaching methods, he can actually do quite well or better than some of the kids in his regular class! Now I know classroom teachers are totally overwhelmed so I'm giving his teacher the benefit of the doubt, but I can't shake that nagging feeling that my son was automatically labeled as slow and incapable.  I think a few email exchanges with the teacher have changed that, though, and she's been more inclined to send things home and ask for parent back up and reteaching (which we are more than glad to do).  And on a side note, I support all teachers and understand how hard it is to handle a large class of kids with many different needs.  I have to admit that I was probably guilty of putting the same labels on kids when I was a teacher.  I have obviously since learned my lesson.

The second incident is just plain old my fault.  I know a woman that I instantly labeled in a negative way.  I decided that everything she did was wrong and silently (and not so silently) judged her.  Well the past few months have afforded me the opportunity to get to know her a little bit better and I have to say I was totally wrong about her and I feel completely ashamed of myself.  Sure I might not agree with some of her decisions, but I have come to know her as a really nice and caring person.  If I would have hung onto those labels for too long, I would have surely missed out on having her in my life.

The truth is, labels are stupid because people are too complex to fit into them.  Your crazy Uncle might also be completely brilliant.  Your cranky neighbor might be lonely and looking for friendship, your flighty friend might also be the most generous hearted person you know.  And your difficult child might also be the source of your greatest joys (I speak from experience for sure!).  Perhaps instead of pasting labels on everyone around us, we should offer up some grace and some understanding.  I know I've learned my lessons, and I hope for my son's sake, other people learn that lesson as well.

Facebook Ain't Your Friend...

I am a total Facebook addict - I totally admit it.  I check the site many times throughout the day and use it to keep in touch with friends near and far.  I love getting the latest pictures and videos of my baby niece who lives far away, and love hearing about the day to day lives of my friends.  Okay, okay, and I also play A LOT of Bejeweled and Zuma Blitz.  It's been great to get back in touch with some old high school friends, and a neat way to reconnect with some of my old students from my teaching days.  All in all, I think Facebook has some wonderful uses.

Lately, however, I have been contemplating the negatives of Facebook.  Besides the obvious time suck, I don't like how it messes with my head and turns me into a 15 year old idiot at times.  You see, I'm one of those lame people who gets their feelings hurt on Facebook.  Go ahead and make fun of me.  I'm a little sad when I see my friends merrily facebooking with each other and not with me.  I'm hurt when I post something personal and some of my good friends don't respond.  And it's hard to see pics of events you weren't invited to. 

After feeling this way for the past few months, I have finally decided that it's time to give myself a cyber slap in the face and "Snap out of it!!!!".  For goodness sake, a 39 year old woman needs to grow up sometime.  Letting my feeling get hurt because of Facebook is the ultimate in stupidity and lets technology have way too much of a hold on me.  I love Facebook, but it's a bad thing when we try to infer too much emotion from what we type on our walls.  I admit, too, that Facebook feeds our narcissism and makes us believe everything we have to say is of the utmost importance (ironic from a girl writing a blog, eh?  Trust me, I see the irony.) 

So I think it's high time to put Facebook in it's place.  It's a great way to keep in contact with those far way, and a fun place to banter with friends nearby.  But it's NOT a replacement for real friendship, and putting that kind of pressure on a web site is just plain dumb.  Deeper friendships take place off the computer screen.  So I'm going to keep Facebook in it's place, keep posting my daily minutia, and of course keep working on my Blitz scores.  I'm just not going to take my cyber friends so personally anymore. My deeper connections occur at knitting nights, on my weekly runs with friends, on my phone conversations, and in other get togethers I have every single day.  And I'll definitely keep blogging. I have found it a great way to work through issues that cloud my head on a day to day basis.  Plus, who isn't a little bit narcissistic???  See you all on Facebook (or better yet, in person!). 

Let It Go...

I had a pretty bizarre encounter last week while on a run with 2 of my friends.  To make a long story short, an elderly couple was not too thrilled to have to share the road with us.  Rather than beep their horn, perhaps give a stern glance, or even call out to us to be more careful and use the sidewalks, they decided to purposefully run us off the road, roll down their window, and literally scream curse words at us and call us a pretty awful name.  These folks had a look of absolute fury on their faces, even though we were in no way endangering them, nor them us (well, until they tried to run us off the road, but I digress...)   I was fairly shocked at the time, but managed to laugh about it afterwards because it was just so darn crazy.  Just a few days later I witnessed another person treating someone else with a complete lack of compassion and a hate filled heart.  This incident did not make me laugh because it involved people I knew and not some random strangers on the road.  What on earth causes some folks to harbor so much hatred in their lives?   

The truth is, those are the extreme cases and in my gut I think some people's hearts have just hardened beyond belief.  But I think many of us are guilty of lashing out,  treating others unkindly, or just acting like an idiot quite often  - even though in our hearts, we are good people who are just trying to do our best.  Upon doing my own reflections I think so much of it has to do with our ability to let things go -  forgive and forget.  We've all heard it before and dispense this advice to others and try to do it ourselves - but it's not quite so easy.  I think it's human nature to keep a record of all the wrongs done to us.  I don't know if it's how we justify our own bad behavior, or if we use other people's transgressions to make ourselves feel superior.  But in the heat of an argument, it's the most commonly used form of defense - "Oh yeah? You're mad at me for that?? Well how about the time you did (fill in the blank)?"  It never works, of course, and just manages to deflect the real issue and dig up all kinds of awful feelings and emotions all around. 

But even worse, constantly keeping a tally of wrongs weakens our relationships with the people we care about. It causes a permanent wedge between folks.  And as the years go by, our inability to let some things go might prevent us from having some truly spectacular connections with those around us.  The longer we hang on to the garbage, the longer it has to become a part of our emotional fabric, and the harder it is to let it go, thus perpetuating a nasty cycle.  Now I wish I had the magical answer to how to truly forgive and forget.  I think a great first step is to be able to admit that you are guilty of doing it.  The older I become the more I'm trying to own my part in my relationship problems.  You can bet in my first years of marriage I would dig in my heels and try to win every argument. I wasn't going to be the first one to say sorry, no sirree.  But 15 years later, I've noticed that both Erik and I have learned how to fight productively.  We get mad at each other for sure, but usually in a very short amount of time, when the height of the emotion has passed, we are able to truly say we are sorry, acknowledge our fault (and we are BOTH always at fault somehow), and move on.  Erik is truly the one person I can say I forgive and forget wrongs with on a regular basis.  I don't keep a running record in my head to throw back in his face later.  I shouldn't be surprised, then, that my marriage is also the strongest and healthiest relationship I have.

I know, however, that I have a lot of work to do in other areas of my life, with other people in my life.  It  takes a lot of emotional maturity to truly forgive and forget, and I may never totally get there.  But it's certainly worth it to keep working on it.  And just because we are mature in age, doesn't mean we automatically mature in other areas.  It's taken years (39 of them for me to be exact) to make us who we are, good and bad.  We hang on to bad relationship habits for many reasons - the largest, I suspect, is the armor it provides our hearts.  But if we surround our hearts with too much defensive protection, it won't just keep out the bad guys, it will keep out the good guys as well.  I've seen it happen and I've seen it bring isolation and loneliness to people in the later years of their lives.  I've seen it render them unable to form meaningful relationships.  And that's no way to live. 

So I'm hoping that I find continual success working at this in my own life, and I hope all of you think about the role it plays in your life as well.  I don't think any of us want to be that old person someday, rolling down our windows, and screaming viscous curses at the world.  Truly we can all find a way to somehow let it go...

Any Regrets???

One of the most life altering decisions I ever made (other than starting a family) was whether or not to leave my teaching job when I had my first child.  I was only 28 years old and still felt like I had all the time in the world to go back to my career "someday" when all my kids were in school.  Fast forward 11 years and now I have both kids in school all day and a crisis of confidence on my hands. 

You see, I LOVED teaching.  I had an absolute passion for my subject area (still do!) and I loved the high school atmosphere.  I was lucky enough to land my first job at a wonderful school (Hooray Riverside Brookfield Bulldogs!) with a wonderful department.  I loved everyone I worked with, had a wonderful department chair, and truly loved going to work every day.  To be honest, I think I was GREAT at my job.  I tried hard to be engaging, tried to push kids a little, and spent every waking moment I had at school events.  I was there early in the morning and left late at night, going to all the games and most of the after school activities.  Truth was - I had so much time to devote back then and was able to be great at my job because of it. 

I always thought I would go back some day but now I wonder if I could cut it.  Would I be as great of a teacher if I left right at the bell to rush home to my family? Could I balance all the demands of my home life and my work life? Would one get shortchanged?  I know SO many working mothers who handle both worlds very well - I'm just not sure I would be one of them since I know I don't thrive under stress.  What about my son? He thrives on order and a calm home environment.  If I went back to teaching would I still be able to give him the stability he needs when he walks in the door every afternoon?  What about technology?  When I left teaching 11 years ago the internet was just being used as a research tool and I didn't know very many kids with a cell phone.  I can't work a smart board and still have yet to master Power Point.  Would anyone even hire me?  Am I all washed up at nearly 40 years old?

But, darn it, I MISS teaching.  Truth is, I often wonder if my last 11 years as a mother might make me an even better teacher.  I have a greater understanding of kids and their social and emotional development.  Having a child with autism has given me a much greater understanding of different learning styles and behavioral quirks.  I think I would be 10 times more patient and tolerant in the classroom than I ever was before. And I truly love history and feel so strongly about the importance of the subject matter.  My poor daughter had a small unit in her 5th grade social studies class about exploration.  I think I spent every night at dinner for one week trying to get her to discuss the long range implications of exploration.  We had a lively talk about the spread of disease, but I think I lost her when I started droning on and on about the balance of power in Europe and the (short lived) supremacy of Spain and the "White Man's Burden" a few centuries later.  Made me think I need an audience that isn't captive - or 11 years old.

So there's my dilemma.  Would I regret going back to teaching?  Would it turn my carefully balanced home life upside down?  Would it be too much for my son to handle? Would I miss the freedom to volunteer at the schools and run my errands and all the other perks of staying at home?  Or would I regret NOT going back to teaching?  Am I ready to leave that career in my past for good? Am I ready to truly let go of something that once gave me so much joy?  I don't like the thought that I will probably have regrets either way.  And I think I'm running out of time to make my decision...I'll keep you posted...

Stop Kidding Yourself

I think when one hits middle age it's time to come to grips with a few truths about oneself.  For so many years I have uttered the refrain , "Someday I will ____________ and all will be better.".  Well, since everyone tells me turning 40 is very "liberating and freeing", I'm thinking that it's time to Stop Kidding Myself and come to terms with the following things:

1.  I will never have straight flat hair.  Nope.  I've admired people for years with simple and pretty flat hair and always figured one day I would try out the style.  Not happening, folks.  I'm too cheap to have it done professionally, and too lazy (and uncoordinated)  to flat iron it myself.  I have come to embrace my curly, frizzy, poofy, big hair. 

2.  I will never have an organized house.   Unless the folks from TLC's Clean Sweep are going to come to my house and perform the mother of all miracles, my house will remain a monument to disorganization.  My cabinets are atrocious, my drawers stuffed full, my closets a disaster.  I have piles everywhere plotting to take over someday.  My OCD husband has even given up on me.  He escapes to work where he can keep his office perfect and everything on his desk at right angles.  He has surrendered on the home front.  If you want to see the only organized room in my house, go into Katy's room.  She has somehow escaped my bad habits. An addendum to this one is that I will never have a beautifully decorated house.  I just don't just care enough.  15 years and no window treatments should have been my first clue.  I'd rather spend my time and money on other things.  I do LOVE to see other people's beautiful houses though - and I'm still jealous.  I just need some kind of house fairy to do it all for me...

3.  I will always worry about what others think of me.  Gosh I wish I didn't give a hoot, but I do.  I always worry I'm saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing.  I really hoped this habit would die with high school, but alas, I still do it.  Maybe when I turn 50...


4.   I will forever eat stupid, childish, candy.  Yes I know sugar and artificial colors are bad for me, blah blah blah.  But I have an addiction that can barely be kept at bay.  And my tastes have never, ahem, matured.  I still love Mike and Ikes, Starbursts, and laffy taffy (I dare you not to laugh the jokes on the wrapper).  And I harbor an unnatural love for bit o honeys.  Bring on Halloween!

5.  I will always forget everyone's birthday.  Cripes I'm terrible at this.  You'd think I would write everything down once and for all on some kind of master calendar (please see #2 above), but I don't.  I'm lucky to remember my own children's birthday.  This is a total curse because NO ONE forgets my birthday, which is April Fool's Day.  Poetic, no??

I'm sure there are more, but these are just the ones off the top of my head.  On a positive note, I used to say "I would NEVER run a marathon - those people are crazy".   So I guess there are some personal truths I've been able to overcome, right?  Or maybe I've just finally gone crazy...