One of the most life altering decisions I ever made (other than starting a family) was whether or not to leave my teaching job when I had my first child. I was only 28 years old and still felt like I had all the time in the world to go back to my career "someday" when all my kids were in school. Fast forward 11 years and now I have both kids in school all day and a crisis of confidence on my hands.
You see, I LOVED teaching. I had an absolute passion for my subject area (still do!) and I loved the high school atmosphere. I was lucky enough to land my first job at a wonderful school (Hooray Riverside Brookfield Bulldogs!) with a wonderful department. I loved everyone I worked with, had a wonderful department chair, and truly loved going to work every day. To be honest, I think I was GREAT at my job. I tried hard to be engaging, tried to push kids a little, and spent every waking moment I had at school events. I was there early in the morning and left late at night, going to all the games and most of the after school activities. Truth was - I had so much time to devote back then and was able to be great at my job because of it.
I always thought I would go back some day but now I wonder if I could cut it. Would I be as great of a teacher if I left right at the bell to rush home to my family? Could I balance all the demands of my home life and my work life? Would one get shortchanged? I know SO many working mothers who handle both worlds very well - I'm just not sure I would be one of them since I know I don't thrive under stress. What about my son? He thrives on order and a calm home environment. If I went back to teaching would I still be able to give him the stability he needs when he walks in the door every afternoon? What about technology? When I left teaching 11 years ago the internet was just being used as a research tool and I didn't know very many kids with a cell phone. I can't work a smart board and still have yet to master Power Point. Would anyone even hire me? Am I all washed up at nearly 40 years old?
But, darn it, I MISS teaching. Truth is, I often wonder if my last 11 years as a mother might make me an even better teacher. I have a greater understanding of kids and their social and emotional development. Having a child with autism has given me a much greater understanding of different learning styles and behavioral quirks. I think I would be 10 times more patient and tolerant in the classroom than I ever was before. And I truly love history and feel so strongly about the importance of the subject matter. My poor daughter had a small unit in her 5th grade social studies class about exploration. I think I spent every night at dinner for one week trying to get her to discuss the long range implications of exploration. We had a lively talk about the spread of disease, but I think I lost her when I started droning on and on about the balance of power in Europe and the (short lived) supremacy of Spain and the "White Man's Burden" a few centuries later. Made me think I need an audience that isn't captive - or 11 years old.
So there's my dilemma. Would I regret going back to teaching? Would it turn my carefully balanced home life upside down? Would it be too much for my son to handle? Would I miss the freedom to volunteer at the schools and run my errands and all the other perks of staying at home? Or would I regret NOT going back to teaching? Am I ready to leave that career in my past for good? Am I ready to truly let go of something that once gave me so much joy? I don't like the thought that I will probably have regrets either way. And I think I'm running out of time to make my decision...I'll keep you posted...
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