I've been thinking a lot about my daughter lately, and whether or not I'm being the best mother I can be for her. (SIDE NOTE: If you hate listening to people brag about their kids, begin eye rolling here and skip the next paragraph...)
The truth is, Katy is an amazing little girl. She never sasses me, or complains when I ask her to do things. She feels horrible when she does something wrong and says she's sorry about a million times until she's sure we've forgiven her. She works her tail off at school and goes above and beyond every night with her homework, often doing more than what is required. She works hard at her skating team and has never been late or missed practice one time in over 2 years. If she gets reprimanded by a coach or a teacher for any reason, she will feel bad about it for days. She constantly confides in me and my husband and (to my knowledge) has never lied to either of us. She has the patience of a saint for her brother (ten times more patience than I have). She has never ONCE complained when I have asked her to include Jayson in some of her play time with friends. She asks for kisses every morning at the bus stop and every night before she goes to bed. Truly I wonder what I've done to deserve her.
But do I deserve her? I swore the day she was born I was going to be the best mother I could be. For 3 1/2 years she was my little partner and the center of my world. When her brother was born I knew some of that attention would shift, and that was OK, because she would always be my first and we would always have that special bond. But as the years have gone by and her brother's special needs began to overtake my life, I have been plagued with guilt over whether or not I have truly been there for my daughter. You see, I admit that I am ten times harder on her than I should be. If she spaces out while watching a TV show and I have to call her name more than a few times I get pretty angry - never mind that it takes at least 10 times for Jayson to acknowledge me. I get mad at her when she doesn't talk to other grownups - something that makes her very self conscience and nervous. I'll tell her she's being rude and get mad and I see the disappointment and sadness in her eyes. I'll rake on her for biting her nails or never cutting her hair. I'll snap at her when she gets emotional over something that I see as silly. And I KNOW why I'm so hard on her. As hard as it is to admit, I do it because she's the child that I want to label as "low maintenance". She's the child without autism and, as stupid as it sounds, she's the one shot I have at "normalcy".
Man, that was horrible to write. I always thought it the the dark recesses of my mind, but now I'm admitting it. And by admitting out loud (or, in this case, in print) now I can stop it, because she deserves so much better. Now am I being hard on myself here? Probably. Because I do love the hell out of that child and tell her every day how proud I am of her. I also tell her I'm sorry when I know my parenting hasn't been up to snuff. As she grows older and becomes less of a little girl, I am really getting a picture of just how amazing she is - and how high the stakes are to parent her right and to the very best of my ability. No child is "low maintenance", and she's heading into the most high maintenance time of her life - and that's OK! I'm just grateful I still have time left to fix my mistakes and do her justice.
My husband and I agree that Katy looks exactly like him - right down to the exact same nose and eyes. But he is always quick to tell me that she ACTS exactly like me. Maybe that's another reason I'm harder on her, because I don't want her to turn out exactly like me. I want her to be better than me...and I just know that she will be.
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