Shamelessly Stealing Something this Christmas...

I'm hoping everyone doesn't feel this is a cop out, but I came across something on facebook yesterday that really hit me hard.  I can't stop thinking about how it needs to be the blueprint for my life, and probably for everyone's life.  Instead of writing my own post this week, I'm going to repost this wonderful article from the blog "Marc and Angel Hack Life" titled "30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself".  I think if I worked hard on these 30 things, I would truly live my best life. Enjoy (and get working on your own lives...)

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

When you stop chasing the wrong things you give
the right things a chance to catch you.

As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.
Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.  Read The Road Less Traveled.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  Read Stumbling on Happiness.
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.  Read Getting Things Done.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Halfway there...

So I ran my very first half marathon last weekend in Busse Woods in Elk Grove and Schaumburg.  I think it was fitting that my first official race took place on the same trails my father used to train on all those years ago.  In fact, he trained there for the Boston Marathon one winter, a race he would never get to run because he broke his ankle on a patch of ice.  I thought a lot about my Dad while running that race (and a lot of other things since it takes me a LONG freaking time to run 13.1 miles...)  Here is a small list of things I pondered during the 2 hours 14 minutes, and 38 seconds it took me to run my first race:

1.  I couldn't BELIEVE the number of people that ran barefoot! Completely bare!! Never mind that it was 40 degrees outside - how about the insane amount of GOOSE POOP that littered the path! Eeeeeeeeeewwwwwww!  This did nothing to help my fear of feet.  

2.  I was beaten (handily, mind you) by the following:  an elderly couple (in their 70's I'm guessing), numerous children (probably Katy's age), all the barefoot runners, and a man in a full turkey suit.  The race had some out and back parts so at the 10 mile mark you could see a bunch of people veering off to finish.  That meant all those people passed me at least 3 miles ahead of me in the race. I took a little hit to my ego for sure with that  turkey guy...

3.   I was surprised at how much I enjoyed myself during the race.  I was never tired, never bored, and just really stinking proud of how much my training had paid off.  It was the first time in a long time I felt a sense of singular accomplishment.  I started out all those months ago not even able to run a mile well.  I ran through wind, rain, heat, and snow for the last 11 months and never missed a run.  I haven't been this committed to something in years.  While I ran I thought about all the solo training runs I did, sorting through life's problems along the way.  I thought about all the runs I did with friends, and how those runs have cemented new friendships and allowed me to get to know 3 ladies so much better.  I thought about how much healthier I feel and how I'm seeing muscles on myself that I never knew existed.  And I thought about how much better I feel mentally.  I can get pretty stressed out, but this year my stress levels have reached an all time low. I could attribute that to other things as well, but running sure helps your mental state to be sure.

4.  Finally, I thought about the fact that in just over 5 months, I am supposed to double the distance and run the Wisconsin Marathon.  As I crossed the finish line, one of my first thoughts was "I'll never be able to do it." I wasn't completely spent, but the thought of running another 13.1 miles was enough to make me cry.  But as the day wore on and the excitement of the race settled in, I went back to last January when I could barely run down my street.  I have 5 months to train for this. I have huge support from my family and friends.  My father is giddy with excitement (and he doesn't get giddy).   It won't be fast, and it won't be pretty, and it's going to take a lot of ibuprofen - but I can do this.  I can do this.  I will do this...

Labels - Who Needs Them??

I think we all have a tendency to label people in our lives.  We all have the funny Uncle, the cranky neighbor, the flighty friend, the difficult child, etc.  Most of the time, those labels are harmless, but 2 incidents this week have reminded me to be careful not to define people based on the labels we (often erroneously) give them.

The first incident happened with my son.  Many years ago we struggled with giving him the big "A" label.  We were afraid he would be ostracized by people who didn't understand what autism was all about.  However, we quickly saw the benefit of the Autism label for him in preschool, as more and more helpful services were offered to him.  As he continued to grow and mature, the label was helpful in other ways.  His karate sensei always has a little extra patience for Jayson and, as a result, he is flourishing in that class.  In fact, he has far surpassed what I ever thought he would do in karate.  So labels have rarely hurt him - until this year.  Erik and I made the decision to split his classroom time in 2nd grade between the mainstream class and the special education class, believing he would get all the benefits of social time in his mainstream class for lunch, recess, specials, and some academics, but also more small group instruction in math and writing with a special education teacher who understands how some autistic kids tend to learn.  So far, this has been a great set up for Jayson.  He is doing well academically and seems to be the happiest I've ever seen him socially.  But I notice his "special education" label has some treating him differently this year.  In his mainstream class he was automatically put in the lowest spelling group without a solid evaluation, while in his special ed class he is regularly scoring 100% on spelling words that are right on a "normal" second grade level.  Assignments given to the rest of the mainstream class are made "optional" for Jayson.  This is unacceptable.  My son is not incapable, he just learns much differently from the mainstream.  With a little extra time and perhaps a few different teaching methods, he can actually do quite well or better than some of the kids in his regular class! Now I know classroom teachers are totally overwhelmed so I'm giving his teacher the benefit of the doubt, but I can't shake that nagging feeling that my son was automatically labeled as slow and incapable.  I think a few email exchanges with the teacher have changed that, though, and she's been more inclined to send things home and ask for parent back up and reteaching (which we are more than glad to do).  And on a side note, I support all teachers and understand how hard it is to handle a large class of kids with many different needs.  I have to admit that I was probably guilty of putting the same labels on kids when I was a teacher.  I have obviously since learned my lesson.

The second incident is just plain old my fault.  I know a woman that I instantly labeled in a negative way.  I decided that everything she did was wrong and silently (and not so silently) judged her.  Well the past few months have afforded me the opportunity to get to know her a little bit better and I have to say I was totally wrong about her and I feel completely ashamed of myself.  Sure I might not agree with some of her decisions, but I have come to know her as a really nice and caring person.  If I would have hung onto those labels for too long, I would have surely missed out on having her in my life.

The truth is, labels are stupid because people are too complex to fit into them.  Your crazy Uncle might also be completely brilliant.  Your cranky neighbor might be lonely and looking for friendship, your flighty friend might also be the most generous hearted person you know.  And your difficult child might also be the source of your greatest joys (I speak from experience for sure!).  Perhaps instead of pasting labels on everyone around us, we should offer up some grace and some understanding.  I know I've learned my lessons, and I hope for my son's sake, other people learn that lesson as well.

Facebook Ain't Your Friend...

I am a total Facebook addict - I totally admit it.  I check the site many times throughout the day and use it to keep in touch with friends near and far.  I love getting the latest pictures and videos of my baby niece who lives far away, and love hearing about the day to day lives of my friends.  Okay, okay, and I also play A LOT of Bejeweled and Zuma Blitz.  It's been great to get back in touch with some old high school friends, and a neat way to reconnect with some of my old students from my teaching days.  All in all, I think Facebook has some wonderful uses.

Lately, however, I have been contemplating the negatives of Facebook.  Besides the obvious time suck, I don't like how it messes with my head and turns me into a 15 year old idiot at times.  You see, I'm one of those lame people who gets their feelings hurt on Facebook.  Go ahead and make fun of me.  I'm a little sad when I see my friends merrily facebooking with each other and not with me.  I'm hurt when I post something personal and some of my good friends don't respond.  And it's hard to see pics of events you weren't invited to. 

After feeling this way for the past few months, I have finally decided that it's time to give myself a cyber slap in the face and "Snap out of it!!!!".  For goodness sake, a 39 year old woman needs to grow up sometime.  Letting my feeling get hurt because of Facebook is the ultimate in stupidity and lets technology have way too much of a hold on me.  I love Facebook, but it's a bad thing when we try to infer too much emotion from what we type on our walls.  I admit, too, that Facebook feeds our narcissism and makes us believe everything we have to say is of the utmost importance (ironic from a girl writing a blog, eh?  Trust me, I see the irony.) 

So I think it's high time to put Facebook in it's place.  It's a great way to keep in contact with those far way, and a fun place to banter with friends nearby.  But it's NOT a replacement for real friendship, and putting that kind of pressure on a web site is just plain dumb.  Deeper friendships take place off the computer screen.  So I'm going to keep Facebook in it's place, keep posting my daily minutia, and of course keep working on my Blitz scores.  I'm just not going to take my cyber friends so personally anymore. My deeper connections occur at knitting nights, on my weekly runs with friends, on my phone conversations, and in other get togethers I have every single day.  And I'll definitely keep blogging. I have found it a great way to work through issues that cloud my head on a day to day basis.  Plus, who isn't a little bit narcissistic???  See you all on Facebook (or better yet, in person!). 

Let It Go...

I had a pretty bizarre encounter last week while on a run with 2 of my friends.  To make a long story short, an elderly couple was not too thrilled to have to share the road with us.  Rather than beep their horn, perhaps give a stern glance, or even call out to us to be more careful and use the sidewalks, they decided to purposefully run us off the road, roll down their window, and literally scream curse words at us and call us a pretty awful name.  These folks had a look of absolute fury on their faces, even though we were in no way endangering them, nor them us (well, until they tried to run us off the road, but I digress...)   I was fairly shocked at the time, but managed to laugh about it afterwards because it was just so darn crazy.  Just a few days later I witnessed another person treating someone else with a complete lack of compassion and a hate filled heart.  This incident did not make me laugh because it involved people I knew and not some random strangers on the road.  What on earth causes some folks to harbor so much hatred in their lives?   

The truth is, those are the extreme cases and in my gut I think some people's hearts have just hardened beyond belief.  But I think many of us are guilty of lashing out,  treating others unkindly, or just acting like an idiot quite often  - even though in our hearts, we are good people who are just trying to do our best.  Upon doing my own reflections I think so much of it has to do with our ability to let things go -  forgive and forget.  We've all heard it before and dispense this advice to others and try to do it ourselves - but it's not quite so easy.  I think it's human nature to keep a record of all the wrongs done to us.  I don't know if it's how we justify our own bad behavior, or if we use other people's transgressions to make ourselves feel superior.  But in the heat of an argument, it's the most commonly used form of defense - "Oh yeah? You're mad at me for that?? Well how about the time you did (fill in the blank)?"  It never works, of course, and just manages to deflect the real issue and dig up all kinds of awful feelings and emotions all around. 

But even worse, constantly keeping a tally of wrongs weakens our relationships with the people we care about. It causes a permanent wedge between folks.  And as the years go by, our inability to let some things go might prevent us from having some truly spectacular connections with those around us.  The longer we hang on to the garbage, the longer it has to become a part of our emotional fabric, and the harder it is to let it go, thus perpetuating a nasty cycle.  Now I wish I had the magical answer to how to truly forgive and forget.  I think a great first step is to be able to admit that you are guilty of doing it.  The older I become the more I'm trying to own my part in my relationship problems.  You can bet in my first years of marriage I would dig in my heels and try to win every argument. I wasn't going to be the first one to say sorry, no sirree.  But 15 years later, I've noticed that both Erik and I have learned how to fight productively.  We get mad at each other for sure, but usually in a very short amount of time, when the height of the emotion has passed, we are able to truly say we are sorry, acknowledge our fault (and we are BOTH always at fault somehow), and move on.  Erik is truly the one person I can say I forgive and forget wrongs with on a regular basis.  I don't keep a running record in my head to throw back in his face later.  I shouldn't be surprised, then, that my marriage is also the strongest and healthiest relationship I have.

I know, however, that I have a lot of work to do in other areas of my life, with other people in my life.  It  takes a lot of emotional maturity to truly forgive and forget, and I may never totally get there.  But it's certainly worth it to keep working on it.  And just because we are mature in age, doesn't mean we automatically mature in other areas.  It's taken years (39 of them for me to be exact) to make us who we are, good and bad.  We hang on to bad relationship habits for many reasons - the largest, I suspect, is the armor it provides our hearts.  But if we surround our hearts with too much defensive protection, it won't just keep out the bad guys, it will keep out the good guys as well.  I've seen it happen and I've seen it bring isolation and loneliness to people in the later years of their lives.  I've seen it render them unable to form meaningful relationships.  And that's no way to live. 

So I'm hoping that I find continual success working at this in my own life, and I hope all of you think about the role it plays in your life as well.  I don't think any of us want to be that old person someday, rolling down our windows, and screaming viscous curses at the world.  Truly we can all find a way to somehow let it go...

Any Regrets???

One of the most life altering decisions I ever made (other than starting a family) was whether or not to leave my teaching job when I had my first child.  I was only 28 years old and still felt like I had all the time in the world to go back to my career "someday" when all my kids were in school.  Fast forward 11 years and now I have both kids in school all day and a crisis of confidence on my hands. 

You see, I LOVED teaching.  I had an absolute passion for my subject area (still do!) and I loved the high school atmosphere.  I was lucky enough to land my first job at a wonderful school (Hooray Riverside Brookfield Bulldogs!) with a wonderful department.  I loved everyone I worked with, had a wonderful department chair, and truly loved going to work every day.  To be honest, I think I was GREAT at my job.  I tried hard to be engaging, tried to push kids a little, and spent every waking moment I had at school events.  I was there early in the morning and left late at night, going to all the games and most of the after school activities.  Truth was - I had so much time to devote back then and was able to be great at my job because of it. 

I always thought I would go back some day but now I wonder if I could cut it.  Would I be as great of a teacher if I left right at the bell to rush home to my family? Could I balance all the demands of my home life and my work life? Would one get shortchanged?  I know SO many working mothers who handle both worlds very well - I'm just not sure I would be one of them since I know I don't thrive under stress.  What about my son? He thrives on order and a calm home environment.  If I went back to teaching would I still be able to give him the stability he needs when he walks in the door every afternoon?  What about technology?  When I left teaching 11 years ago the internet was just being used as a research tool and I didn't know very many kids with a cell phone.  I can't work a smart board and still have yet to master Power Point.  Would anyone even hire me?  Am I all washed up at nearly 40 years old?

But, darn it, I MISS teaching.  Truth is, I often wonder if my last 11 years as a mother might make me an even better teacher.  I have a greater understanding of kids and their social and emotional development.  Having a child with autism has given me a much greater understanding of different learning styles and behavioral quirks.  I think I would be 10 times more patient and tolerant in the classroom than I ever was before. And I truly love history and feel so strongly about the importance of the subject matter.  My poor daughter had a small unit in her 5th grade social studies class about exploration.  I think I spent every night at dinner for one week trying to get her to discuss the long range implications of exploration.  We had a lively talk about the spread of disease, but I think I lost her when I started droning on and on about the balance of power in Europe and the (short lived) supremacy of Spain and the "White Man's Burden" a few centuries later.  Made me think I need an audience that isn't captive - or 11 years old.

So there's my dilemma.  Would I regret going back to teaching?  Would it turn my carefully balanced home life upside down?  Would it be too much for my son to handle? Would I miss the freedom to volunteer at the schools and run my errands and all the other perks of staying at home?  Or would I regret NOT going back to teaching?  Am I ready to leave that career in my past for good? Am I ready to truly let go of something that once gave me so much joy?  I don't like the thought that I will probably have regrets either way.  And I think I'm running out of time to make my decision...I'll keep you posted...

Stop Kidding Yourself

I think when one hits middle age it's time to come to grips with a few truths about oneself.  For so many years I have uttered the refrain , "Someday I will ____________ and all will be better.".  Well, since everyone tells me turning 40 is very "liberating and freeing", I'm thinking that it's time to Stop Kidding Myself and come to terms with the following things:

1.  I will never have straight flat hair.  Nope.  I've admired people for years with simple and pretty flat hair and always figured one day I would try out the style.  Not happening, folks.  I'm too cheap to have it done professionally, and too lazy (and uncoordinated)  to flat iron it myself.  I have come to embrace my curly, frizzy, poofy, big hair. 

2.  I will never have an organized house.   Unless the folks from TLC's Clean Sweep are going to come to my house and perform the mother of all miracles, my house will remain a monument to disorganization.  My cabinets are atrocious, my drawers stuffed full, my closets a disaster.  I have piles everywhere plotting to take over someday.  My OCD husband has even given up on me.  He escapes to work where he can keep his office perfect and everything on his desk at right angles.  He has surrendered on the home front.  If you want to see the only organized room in my house, go into Katy's room.  She has somehow escaped my bad habits. An addendum to this one is that I will never have a beautifully decorated house.  I just don't just care enough.  15 years and no window treatments should have been my first clue.  I'd rather spend my time and money on other things.  I do LOVE to see other people's beautiful houses though - and I'm still jealous.  I just need some kind of house fairy to do it all for me...

3.  I will always worry about what others think of me.  Gosh I wish I didn't give a hoot, but I do.  I always worry I'm saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing.  I really hoped this habit would die with high school, but alas, I still do it.  Maybe when I turn 50...


4.   I will forever eat stupid, childish, candy.  Yes I know sugar and artificial colors are bad for me, blah blah blah.  But I have an addiction that can barely be kept at bay.  And my tastes have never, ahem, matured.  I still love Mike and Ikes, Starbursts, and laffy taffy (I dare you not to laugh the jokes on the wrapper).  And I harbor an unnatural love for bit o honeys.  Bring on Halloween!

5.  I will always forget everyone's birthday.  Cripes I'm terrible at this.  You'd think I would write everything down once and for all on some kind of master calendar (please see #2 above), but I don't.  I'm lucky to remember my own children's birthday.  This is a total curse because NO ONE forgets my birthday, which is April Fool's Day.  Poetic, no??

I'm sure there are more, but these are just the ones off the top of my head.  On a positive note, I used to say "I would NEVER run a marathon - those people are crazy".   So I guess there are some personal truths I've been able to overcome, right?  Or maybe I've just finally gone crazy...

Like Mother Like Daughter???

I've been thinking a lot about my daughter lately, and whether or not I'm being the best mother I can be for her.  (SIDE NOTE: If you hate listening to people brag about their kids, begin eye rolling here and skip the next paragraph...)

The truth is, Katy is an amazing little girl.  She never sasses me, or complains when I ask her to do things.  She feels horrible when she does something wrong and says she's sorry about a million times until she's sure we've forgiven her.  She works her tail off at school and goes above and beyond every night with her homework, often doing more than what is required.  She works hard at her skating team and has never been late or missed practice one time in over 2 years.  If she gets reprimanded by a coach or a teacher for any reason, she will feel bad about it for days.  She constantly confides in me and my husband and (to my knowledge) has never lied to either of us.  She has the patience of a saint for her brother (ten times more patience than I have). She has never ONCE complained when I have asked her to include Jayson in some of her play time with friends.  She asks for kisses every morning at the bus stop and every night before she goes to bed.   Truly I wonder what I've done to deserve her.

But do I deserve her?  I swore the day she was born I was going to be the best mother I could be.  For 3 1/2 years she was my little partner and the center of my world.  When her brother was born I knew some of that attention would shift, and that was OK, because she would always be my first and we would always have that special bond.  But as the years have gone by and her brother's special needs began to overtake my life, I have been plagued with guilt over whether or not I have truly been there for my daughter.  You see, I admit that I am ten times harder on her than I should be.  If she spaces out while watching a TV show and I have to call her name more than a few times I get pretty angry - never mind that it takes at least 10 times for Jayson to acknowledge me.  I get mad at her when she doesn't talk to other grownups - something that makes her very self conscience and nervous.  I'll tell her she's being rude and get mad and I see the disappointment and sadness in her eyes.  I'll rake on her for biting her nails or never cutting her hair.  I'll snap at her when she gets emotional over something that I see as silly.  And I KNOW why I'm so hard on her.  As hard as it is to admit, I do it because she's the child that I want to label as "low maintenance".  She's the child without autism and, as stupid as it sounds, she's the one shot I have at "normalcy".

Man, that was horrible to write.  I always thought it the the dark recesses of my mind, but now I'm admitting it.  And by admitting out loud (or, in this case, in print) now I can stop it, because she deserves so much better.  Now am I being hard on myself here? Probably.  Because I do love the hell out of that child and tell her every day how proud I am of her.  I also tell her I'm sorry when I know my parenting hasn't been up to snuff.  As she grows older and becomes less of a little girl, I am really getting a picture of just how amazing she is - and how high the stakes are to parent her right and to the very best of my ability.  No child is "low maintenance", and she's heading into the most high maintenance time of her life - and that's OK!   I'm just grateful I still have time left to fix my mistakes and do her justice.

My husband and I agree that Katy looks exactly like him - right down to the exact same nose and eyes.  But he is always quick to tell me that she ACTS exactly like me.   Maybe that's another reason I'm harder on her, because I don't want her to turn out exactly like me.  I want her to be better than me...and I just know that she will be.

K2TOG

I am a knitter.  Not a very good one, mind you, but a knitter none the less.  I learned how to knit from my friend Wendy when Jayson was about a year old.  I had gone to Wendy's house to drop off some baby items that I didn't need anymore and found her sitting on her couch knitting the most adorable sheep blanket I had ever seen.  I was in awe - absolute awe.  I didn't know Wendy very well but asked her if she would teach me how to knit - and that's how "Knitting Wednesdays" began.  It started with just the 2 of us and over the weeks and months I got to know her better and found myself with a new and wonderful friend.  A bit later, a third girl joined us, also in awe of how wonderful knitting seemed to be.  The 3 of us met every week and knitted and talked (okay, and ate) and formed a bond.

That was nearly 6 yeas ago (!).  In those 6 years many more knitters (some new, some pros) joined the group, while others dropped out for various reasons. 2 women saw me knitting while we waited to pick our sons up from speech therapy.  I didn't know these women and they didn't know me, but they were knitters themselves and that brought us together.  These 2 complete strangers showed up at my house the next wednesday and another friendship was born.  One of them, Suzanne, recently moved to Boston and I miss her terribly.  She is the knitting Yoda and never failed to make me smile.  The other girl, Julie, is a constant source of inspiration to me in all things knitting and non knitting.  There is nothing she can't do.  There are 2 knitters named Heather from my church that knit with me.  Heather #1 doesn't do much knitting (she calls herself the "shnitter"), but she is a delight to have around and a constant source of smiles.  Heather #2 is someone I have loved getting to know better, and is one of the most dedicated members of the wednesday group.  And there are the drop ins - those who never knit, but stop by to say hello, bring a snack, or just hang out. I am grateful for every one of them!

I have grown to love my Wednesday nights. All of us make up a very diverse group and every person who walks through the door each week has a special place in my life.  What started as a simple hobby to pass away the time has become a life line to some very important friendships.  We all have busy lives, jobs, housework, problems with our kids, problems with life - you name it.  But we try hard to take time every week to sit and knit and relax.  There is a common step in a knitting pattern labeled K2TOG, meaning "knit 2 stitches together on your needles".  That is what knitting does to yarn, and to people.  It brings you together.  Happy Knitting Wednesday everyone!!

The Old Gray Mare...

...I ain't what I used to be.
So the mirror is giving me quite a show lately! Up until a few years ago everyone always commented on how young I always looked.  Back in the day of my teaching career parents would marvel at how young I looked, saying I looked like one of the students.  After I left teaching and became a mom the exclamations continued:  "Your thirty????? Thirty five???? No way!!!" , people would always say.  I was carded at every store and restaurant and would roll my eyes, while secretly cheering on the inside.  Well, my friends, that gravy train has passed.  
What started as an attack of a few random gray hairs has become a full frontal assault on my head.  My own son has started to comment on them - yes, the son who can rarely hold a conversational exchange with me will wax poetic about the funny colored hairs on my head that "stick way up".  My daughter will shake my legs and comment, with a giggle, how "jiggly" they are (mind you, I run about 20 miles a week) and point out my wrinkled knees.  The creases in my forehead, once only appearing when I was befuddled, are now a permanent fixture.  Trust me - I"m not confused this often!! And things are starting to sag - things, my friends, that shouldn't be sagging.  Gravity is a cruel, cruel thing. 
So what to do? What to do?  I know I won't jump on the plastic surgery boat.  I don't want things injected into me or sucked out of me.  I can't imagine any kind of face lift - it always looks so obvious and just delays the inevitable.  I don't own any beauty creams or anti aging formulas.  Again, it just seems to be a waste of money trying to hold something at bay that will come no matter what.  But the hair - oh the hair!  I'm not ready to be gray.  I think it's time to consider some color.  I've never colored my hair (except for one time after an unfortunate "sun in" incident back in my 20's) and dread starting.  I keep thinking it's going to be so dang expensive and I can never figure out what color to try so I don't look freaky.  Do I go the expensive salon route, or try to do it myself at home? I can barely figure out how to wash, condition, and dry my hair, let alone color it.  And I"m so cheap I usually don't hit the salon until my crazy curly frizz begins to resemble that of those small troll dolls.  How to muster up the cash to pay the colorist every six weeks? I guess I"m going to have to think about this one a bit longer, and perhaps put "hair color" on my 40th birthday gift list. 

To tell the truth, I'm really not that vain of a person.  However, this aging thing takes some getting used to.  I'm working on coming to terms with my changing appearance, and trying to accept much of it with grace and even some pride - because hey,  this old gray mare has been through quite a lot out there in the fields.  This body has grown 2 humans, given birth (the old fashioned way, and the surgical way), and nursed them for a year each.  It has also donated an organ.  I'd say this workhorse has earned her oats and should take pride in all the scars.  My husband, God bless him, is always saying how much he loves my wrinkles and my gray hair - no seriously! He says it's exciting to see that we are, indeed, growing old together.  I know it's his way of telling me that he loves how I look at any age and will think I am beautiful no matter what - but don't be fooled.  It's also his way of softening the blow for himself.  After all, he has WAY more gray hair than I do...

Crazy Like My Dad?

One of the weirdest things about turning 40 is the realization that I have VIVID memories of my parents at that age.  Of course as a young person many of us would cringe at the thought of becoming like our parents.  As I near the big birthday, I still fight off many of my parent's traits, but there is one thing that is eerily, insanely, and oddly similar.  When my Dad turned 40 he started running and ran his first marathon.  He went on to run countless more and ran his last one in his later 60's.  He also flew all the way to Japan and climbed Mount Fuji  (I think it was when he was 70, but I can't remember - madness nonetheless).  I thought he was crazy then and, oddly enough, still do now.  But now I know what causes the crazy.  At the time of his big birthday, he was overweight and stuck in a personal rut.  Nothing like a big milestone of middle age to give your head a good shake.  I think that's what did it for me - I don't want to turn 40 with bad habits in place. 
I went through a very major surgery last May and spent the next 6-8 months basically sitting on my butt and eating junk.  This isn't too different from how I lived my life before the surgery (I've NEVER been athletic), but the older I get the more obvious it is that I can't abuse my body forever.  So one day last this past January (a cold day, let me tell ya), I turned to my husband and said, "I'm going to start running - starting today.  Can you help me?".  This produced a chuckle (more of a guffaw and slight choking sound) and a skeptical "OK".  Erik has known me for 22 years and is well aware of my "fitness level".  He has also heard me mock runners relentlessly my entire life.  Why on EARTH would you choose to run??? This was my familiar refrain (that, and the overused "I only run when chased" - I liked to say that one a lot as well).  I used to be totally grossed out by my Dad  - ask anyone who knows me where my hatred and fear of feet comes from! He was sweaty and smelly all the time and he ran EVERYWHERE! As a teenager I could not escape the mortification - he was OLD!  He wore socks on his hands to keep warm! He wore goofy John McEnroe-type sweatbands that barely contained his wild man hair!! Couldn't he just go to the "old people's gym" or wherever parents went to exercise?
Well, Lord help me, now I get it.  I don't know whether to laugh or cry over the fact that I have turned out exactly like my father in this respect.  But I totally understand why I have picked up running, like my father did, at this stage in my life.  It's relatively cheap (like my Dad - and I say that with love, not scorn), unlike gym memberships.  Just put on your shoes and put one foot in front of the other.  I can do it alone at any time of the day or night, or with friends to make it social - so it's easy to fit in to my schedule.  And unlike any other form of exercise I have tried, it makes me feel completely powerful and peaceful at the same time.  I have never felt this level of personal accomplishment.  I can run 10 miles darn it!!! I want to tattoo it on my freaking forehead! Who cares if it took me 5 months to work up to it?
And just like it helped my dad with his physical and mental health, it has been life changing for me as well.  I have NEVER been this physically healthy in my life, and there is NOTHING like running mile after mile and sorting through life's stresses in your head with every step you take.  I can start a run with catastrophic thoughts of my son's problems, and end that same run with total optimism and a plan to help him with is latest challenge.  I love the solitude of doing it by myself, and the bonding produced when friends run with me.  I can feel it changing me, not just physically, but mentally as well. I work through all kinds of internal questions when I run and my mind races as fast (okay, not fast) as my feet.  I'm becoming a different person and I like who that person is, possibly for the first time in my life!
So now, 30 years or so after my Dad paved the trail, I'm getting on it and running it.  I look forward to embarrassing my children with my ridiculous winter running outfits as I train for my races.  I can't wait until they laugh at me for my ridiculous "wild woman of Borneo" hair after I take off my hats.  They can make fun of me all they want because I'm pretty sure I'm planting some kind of seed in them.  My seed took 30 years to grow - hopefully their seeds won't take as long. 
So bring on the 1/2 Marathon in November and the full 26.2 in May.  I'm ready to put my crazy on full display.  

The Biggest Challenge so far...

To be honest, there are many challenges facing me right now as I near my 40th birthday.  I have that pesky marathon to start thinking about, a lot of gray hairs appearing at an alarming speed, challenges with friendships, personal growth, my health - the list could go on and on.  However, the overwhelming challenge I face on a daily basis is how to handle all the emotions attached to raising my son Jayson, who is on the autism spectrum.  There are few people in my life who truly understand this emotional challenge - many who think they do, and are so well meaning, but they really don't get it.  Not a day passes that I am not reminded of the sadness.  Not a day passes that I don't worry about his future.  And not a day passes that I don't grieve for what could have been.  Jayson is a good kid - and he blends in fairly well with "normal" society (I use that term loosely).  I think that's why so many people don't really understand how hard it really is.  Here's a great example of how something seemingly so small, can really be indicative of a larger sense of sadness:  Yesterday Jayson came home from school and I opened his backpack to find that he had not brought home his take home packets and guided reading books - AGAIN.  We have gone over this until we are blue in the face and have even worked hard with his teachers to put a system into place at school to help him remember to stay organized.  Now, I realize that organization is something Jayson will always struggle with.  To be honest, I wasn't that mad at him.  He is doing pretty well in school academically this year and is making new friends every day (in his own awkward way).  Plus, there are plenty of 7 year olds who have yet to master their organizational skills.  The problem came when I tried to simply TALK to him about what should have come home in his backpack.  I asked many questions - did you get your packets from your teachers today? Where did you put them? Was there no homework because of the special tests you are taking this week?  Did the helper teacher check your backpack before you left? Unfortunately, Jayson is rarely able to hold a simple give and take conversation with me.  He couldn't look me in the eye and answer my questions and most of what he said was rambling and nonsensical.  It's situations like these that punch me right in the gut.  I have loved this boy for 7 years, but I have not yet had a true, heartfelt conversation with him.  He can't talk to me about his emotions, or his fears, or his dreams.  He can't even handle talking to me about simple things that happened at school! We can't joke or talk about things happening in the news.  I look around at all my friends with their kids and listen to their simple conversations that are taken for granted a million times a day.  It breaks my heart and the heart of my husband, who has said numerous times, "I just want to talk to my son!". This is what makes me sad every day.  This is my biggest challenge - how do I not let the sadness overwhelm me and overshadow all the great and wonderful things about him (and there are MANY wonderful things about Jayson to be sure).  And sadly, my greatest challenge at 40 years old will most likely continue to be my greatest one at 50 years old - and 60 years old.  The worry will never go away...

Jumping on the Bandwagon

Well, I guess 39 isn't too old to still be following the crowd.  If everyone else is going to Blog, then darn it - so am I.  I figure this is the perfect time in my life to start recording my daily insanity.  I"m turning 40 in 6 1/2 months and have been doing all kinds of introspection.  Plus, I figure if I'm going to hit middle age I'm going to hit it running - literally.  I've signed up to run a marathon next May.  Complete. Lunacy.  Should be plenty of madness to document, don't you think? Not sure who will end up reading this blog, but at least my children will have a record of my madness just in case I"m found laying on the pavement around mile 18...