Most of us can admit we are addicted to our gadgets. Whether it is a cell phone, or an iPod, or a laptop, our society is quickly becoming very tethered to our technology. We feel naked and lost without it, even going so far to think we cannot function without being plugged in. I admit I'm guilty of this sometimes. Erik got me an iPhone not too long ago and I have fallen in love with it. How can you not love a gadget that will refer to you as "Queen of England"? (Thanks, Siri!).
When I was marathon training I was completely addicted to my Garmin GPS watch. I would religiously watch my pace and wouldn't dare go too fast (even if I felt I could), lest I injure myself. I would set the watch to beep at certain intervals so I could stop and refuel and would adhere to those beeps like my life depended on it. I truly could not run without the watch. After the marathon was finished I decided to scale back the intensity of my running routine. I'm still going 4 days a week, but I keep the mileage between 20 and 25 miles so as not to pound my poor body into oblivion. I also decided to take the pressure off myself by putting away my Garmin watch, and set off on my runs "blind", letting my body dictate the pace it could handle. After a few weeks of running without the watch a funny thing began to happen - I got better. That's right, I became a better runner without the technology. I'm able to run longer in between water breaks, and my pace has gotten faster and faster. Without the watch warning me to slow down, I've shaved nearly 10 minutes off my 10 mile run time - and I feel fantastic. It is freeing to trust my own instincts and realize that my body and mind know what they are doing.
So that got me thinking. When I stopped relying on the watch to tell me what to do and relied on my own instinct, I got faster and stronger. What if I finally started to apply this to other areas of my life? For nearly 40 years I have sought out the opinions of others on just about every subject. I have compared my parenting styles and life choices to those around me, and always feared I was "doing it wrong", looking to others to show me what to do. But in the past year I have realized that I'm doing just fine, thank you. I'm starting to have more confidence in my decisions, even when they are radically different from those around me. You see, I don't need our culture's GPS to show me where to go. I feel good knowing that my heart and mind have it's own directional system, and I'm relying on it more and more. And you know what? It's just as freeing as my running has become. And it's making me just as strong and just as healthy. Sure I'll make some wrong decisions, but that's part of life and part of learning how to grow.
So trust your instincts, folks. Deep down you probably know the right answers to the questions you are asking yourself. Don't be afraid if they don't match the rest of the world's GPS. Sometimes, all that technology isn't all it's cracked up to be. Except for Siri, of course. She's just too much fun! See you out there on road of life...
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
A Letter to my Son
A few months ago I wrote a blog post in the form of a letter to my daughter. While I ended up showing it to her, it was more of a way to help me clarify some things she was struggling with and figure out how to help her through them. This Saturday my son Jayson turns 8 years old. I thought this would be a great time to write a letter to him. However, this one probably won't be shared with him, and even if it was, he would probably have a very hard time comprehending it. After all, one of the cruelest things Autism takes away from an individual is their ability to have deep, emotional conversations with others. While this letter may be one sided, it is as heartfelt as the one written to his sister. And while it is addressed to him, I invite everyone to read it. The more people understand what life is like for Jayson, the more people will hopefully open up their hearts a bit more, and have a little more grace and patience. For him, grace and patience from others might be the best birthday gift of all...
Dear Jayson,
I simply cannot believe 8 years have gone by since you were born. It has been the largest roller coaster ride of my life - filled with joy, sheer terror, excitement, anticipation, and, yes, some nausea. I think back to what a happy and silly little toddler you were and my heart fills with joy. Then I think back to the "dark days" when we began to recognize your struggles and finally put a name to them, and my heart fills with sadness. But many years have passed since those dark days. Quite honestly, if anyone would have asked me back then if I thought you would be like you are today I would have sadly said they were crazy. I simply could not imagine that things would have gotten better.
But they have. They HAVE gotten better. And I couldn't be more proud of all you have accomplished in 8 years. Things other 8 year olds and their parents simply take for granted. With you, I take NOTHING for granted. And while there are days when my heart breaks into a million pieces, those days are fewer and farther between. But I recognize the struggles you have and know that you face some serious challenges as you get older. Here are some pieces of advice:
1. It's more than OK to be a little different. It's taken me 40 years to realize that the bill of goods our culture tries to sell you is a crock of hooey. Don't worry about fitting into everyone else's mold of "normal". It's OK if you are quirky and odd and into your obsessions. Chances are, someday you will find a group of kids that are also odd and quirky and you can flourish with them. I'm pretty sure that's what Bill Gates did.
2. Know your limitations. You and I haven't had "the talk" yet. I know we haven't discussed the big A word and put a name and label on your behavior. That day is fast approaching, though. We have, however, talked at length about how your brain is "different". We have talked about why it's so hard for you when you get upset, why it's hard when you don't understand jokes that everyone else thinks is funny, and why it's not a good idea to talk about the same things over and over again with other people. I've told you that your brain might take longer to understand what you've read in school and that you might not always understand how others are feeling. As you get older, the important thing is to remember what your struggles are, and to try and come up with some strategies to cope. We've already started with strategies on what to do when other kids hurt your feelings. It's going to be my job to come up with more strategies and your job to learn them and make them a part of your life.
3. Don't bother with mean kids. I have watched you with a broken heart this year get manipulated and made fun of by others. You are often too naive to even realize it is happening, but I notice it and I hate it. But I can't hover over you forever so you are going to have to figure out who the good kids are on your own. I"m so grateful you've managed to make some new friends this year who seem to be a great match for you. Always remember that you don't have to be the most popular kid (those kids are often popular for the wrong reasons), you just have to find a few good friends that you are comfortable with. But also realize that it's hard to be your friend, and takes a pretty special kid to put up with you sometimes. You are a bit rigid with your thinking and often want to do things ONLY ONE WAY!! You also have a tendency to talk about the same things over and over again. While I don't mind listening to the teams in the American League for the 30th time, other kids get bored. Let's work on that one a little bit, shall we? But I sincerely hope that kids learn to give you some grace, because you are a hell of a sweet kid and you can be an absolute riot sometimes. My biggest prayer for you is that you find a nice group of friends (and a wife, someday, but let's not get ahead of ourselves...).
4. Take some breaks. I know you get overwhelmed easily. I know when you get tired, or you have to socialize a lot, or have to concentrate really hard, it can overtax your brain. It's OK to take some breaks and have your "alone time". And if others don't understand that, too bad. As your mom, I have learned to say "no" to things that will bring too much chaos into our days. You are allowed to do the same.
5. Keep up your good habits. Jayson, you are one of the hardest working kids I know. I don't know many 8 year olds who do their homework EVERY day (even in the summer) without complaint. You practice your karate EVERY day. You read EVERY night. I'm so proud of how hard you work. I know it's exhausting, and I know it's sometimes frustrating. But you do it and it makes a difference. You may not be the smartest kid going into third grade, but darn it, you are certainly holding your own. And in the fall you will most likely earn your yellow belt in karate. You can be SO proud of sticking with something for this long and working so hard, even thought it takes you longer than some other kids. Your victories are so much sweeter because they are harder to achieve.
Jayson, so many people simply don't understand you. You seem like every other 8 year old on the outside, when inside the world is such a jumble of confusion for you. As a result, you try to make sense of the world in the only way you know how, and others just don't quite get where you are coming from. But if you always remember your manners and treat others nicely, work on your limitations and use those coping strategies, make a few friends with some super nice and understanding kids, and keep working hard, you are going to do just fine. It won't be easy for you, but you will be OK. I love you more than words can say and thank God for you every day. I thank God for all the support He has put in our lives to cope with big A. But I am most thankful for you and how you have changed me for the better. Happy Happy Birthday, Jayson. May you get the biggest slice of cake, lots of Bears and Cubs stuff, and have a wonderful time with your friends at your party.
I love you,
Mom
Dear Jayson,
I simply cannot believe 8 years have gone by since you were born. It has been the largest roller coaster ride of my life - filled with joy, sheer terror, excitement, anticipation, and, yes, some nausea. I think back to what a happy and silly little toddler you were and my heart fills with joy. Then I think back to the "dark days" when we began to recognize your struggles and finally put a name to them, and my heart fills with sadness. But many years have passed since those dark days. Quite honestly, if anyone would have asked me back then if I thought you would be like you are today I would have sadly said they were crazy. I simply could not imagine that things would have gotten better.
But they have. They HAVE gotten better. And I couldn't be more proud of all you have accomplished in 8 years. Things other 8 year olds and their parents simply take for granted. With you, I take NOTHING for granted. And while there are days when my heart breaks into a million pieces, those days are fewer and farther between. But I recognize the struggles you have and know that you face some serious challenges as you get older. Here are some pieces of advice:
1. It's more than OK to be a little different. It's taken me 40 years to realize that the bill of goods our culture tries to sell you is a crock of hooey. Don't worry about fitting into everyone else's mold of "normal". It's OK if you are quirky and odd and into your obsessions. Chances are, someday you will find a group of kids that are also odd and quirky and you can flourish with them. I'm pretty sure that's what Bill Gates did.
2. Know your limitations. You and I haven't had "the talk" yet. I know we haven't discussed the big A word and put a name and label on your behavior. That day is fast approaching, though. We have, however, talked at length about how your brain is "different". We have talked about why it's so hard for you when you get upset, why it's hard when you don't understand jokes that everyone else thinks is funny, and why it's not a good idea to talk about the same things over and over again with other people. I've told you that your brain might take longer to understand what you've read in school and that you might not always understand how others are feeling. As you get older, the important thing is to remember what your struggles are, and to try and come up with some strategies to cope. We've already started with strategies on what to do when other kids hurt your feelings. It's going to be my job to come up with more strategies and your job to learn them and make them a part of your life.
3. Don't bother with mean kids. I have watched you with a broken heart this year get manipulated and made fun of by others. You are often too naive to even realize it is happening, but I notice it and I hate it. But I can't hover over you forever so you are going to have to figure out who the good kids are on your own. I"m so grateful you've managed to make some new friends this year who seem to be a great match for you. Always remember that you don't have to be the most popular kid (those kids are often popular for the wrong reasons), you just have to find a few good friends that you are comfortable with. But also realize that it's hard to be your friend, and takes a pretty special kid to put up with you sometimes. You are a bit rigid with your thinking and often want to do things ONLY ONE WAY!! You also have a tendency to talk about the same things over and over again. While I don't mind listening to the teams in the American League for the 30th time, other kids get bored. Let's work on that one a little bit, shall we? But I sincerely hope that kids learn to give you some grace, because you are a hell of a sweet kid and you can be an absolute riot sometimes. My biggest prayer for you is that you find a nice group of friends (and a wife, someday, but let's not get ahead of ourselves...).
4. Take some breaks. I know you get overwhelmed easily. I know when you get tired, or you have to socialize a lot, or have to concentrate really hard, it can overtax your brain. It's OK to take some breaks and have your "alone time". And if others don't understand that, too bad. As your mom, I have learned to say "no" to things that will bring too much chaos into our days. You are allowed to do the same.
5. Keep up your good habits. Jayson, you are one of the hardest working kids I know. I don't know many 8 year olds who do their homework EVERY day (even in the summer) without complaint. You practice your karate EVERY day. You read EVERY night. I'm so proud of how hard you work. I know it's exhausting, and I know it's sometimes frustrating. But you do it and it makes a difference. You may not be the smartest kid going into third grade, but darn it, you are certainly holding your own. And in the fall you will most likely earn your yellow belt in karate. You can be SO proud of sticking with something for this long and working so hard, even thought it takes you longer than some other kids. Your victories are so much sweeter because they are harder to achieve.
Jayson, so many people simply don't understand you. You seem like every other 8 year old on the outside, when inside the world is such a jumble of confusion for you. As a result, you try to make sense of the world in the only way you know how, and others just don't quite get where you are coming from. But if you always remember your manners and treat others nicely, work on your limitations and use those coping strategies, make a few friends with some super nice and understanding kids, and keep working hard, you are going to do just fine. It won't be easy for you, but you will be OK. I love you more than words can say and thank God for you every day. I thank God for all the support He has put in our lives to cope with big A. But I am most thankful for you and how you have changed me for the better. Happy Happy Birthday, Jayson. May you get the biggest slice of cake, lots of Bears and Cubs stuff, and have a wonderful time with your friends at your party.
I love you,
Mom
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