One of the most life altering decisions I ever made (other than starting a family) was whether or not to leave my teaching job when I had my first child. I was only 28 years old and still felt like I had all the time in the world to go back to my career "someday" when all my kids were in school. Fast forward 11 years and now I have both kids in school all day and a crisis of confidence on my hands.
You see, I LOVED teaching. I had an absolute passion for my subject area (still do!) and I loved the high school atmosphere. I was lucky enough to land my first job at a wonderful school (Hooray Riverside Brookfield Bulldogs!) with a wonderful department. I loved everyone I worked with, had a wonderful department chair, and truly loved going to work every day. To be honest, I think I was GREAT at my job. I tried hard to be engaging, tried to push kids a little, and spent every waking moment I had at school events. I was there early in the morning and left late at night, going to all the games and most of the after school activities. Truth was - I had so much time to devote back then and was able to be great at my job because of it.
I always thought I would go back some day but now I wonder if I could cut it. Would I be as great of a teacher if I left right at the bell to rush home to my family? Could I balance all the demands of my home life and my work life? Would one get shortchanged? I know SO many working mothers who handle both worlds very well - I'm just not sure I would be one of them since I know I don't thrive under stress. What about my son? He thrives on order and a calm home environment. If I went back to teaching would I still be able to give him the stability he needs when he walks in the door every afternoon? What about technology? When I left teaching 11 years ago the internet was just being used as a research tool and I didn't know very many kids with a cell phone. I can't work a smart board and still have yet to master Power Point. Would anyone even hire me? Am I all washed up at nearly 40 years old?
But, darn it, I MISS teaching. Truth is, I often wonder if my last 11 years as a mother might make me an even better teacher. I have a greater understanding of kids and their social and emotional development. Having a child with autism has given me a much greater understanding of different learning styles and behavioral quirks. I think I would be 10 times more patient and tolerant in the classroom than I ever was before. And I truly love history and feel so strongly about the importance of the subject matter. My poor daughter had a small unit in her 5th grade social studies class about exploration. I think I spent every night at dinner for one week trying to get her to discuss the long range implications of exploration. We had a lively talk about the spread of disease, but I think I lost her when I started droning on and on about the balance of power in Europe and the (short lived) supremacy of Spain and the "White Man's Burden" a few centuries later. Made me think I need an audience that isn't captive - or 11 years old.
So there's my dilemma. Would I regret going back to teaching? Would it turn my carefully balanced home life upside down? Would it be too much for my son to handle? Would I miss the freedom to volunteer at the schools and run my errands and all the other perks of staying at home? Or would I regret NOT going back to teaching? Am I ready to leave that career in my past for good? Am I ready to truly let go of something that once gave me so much joy? I don't like the thought that I will probably have regrets either way. And I think I'm running out of time to make my decision...I'll keep you posted...
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Stop Kidding Yourself
I think when one hits middle age it's time to come to grips with a few truths about oneself. For so many years I have uttered the refrain , "Someday I will ____________ and all will be better.". Well, since everyone tells me turning 40 is very "liberating and freeing", I'm thinking that it's time to Stop Kidding Myself and come to terms with the following things:
1. I will never have straight flat hair. Nope. I've admired people for years with simple and pretty flat hair and always figured one day I would try out the style. Not happening, folks. I'm too cheap to have it done professionally, and too lazy (and uncoordinated) to flat iron it myself. I have come to embrace my curly, frizzy, poofy, big hair.
2. I will never have an organized house. Unless the folks from TLC's Clean Sweep are going to come to my house and perform the mother of all miracles, my house will remain a monument to disorganization. My cabinets are atrocious, my drawers stuffed full, my closets a disaster. I have piles everywhere plotting to take over someday. My OCD husband has even given up on me. He escapes to work where he can keep his office perfect and everything on his desk at right angles. He has surrendered on the home front. If you want to see the only organized room in my house, go into Katy's room. She has somehow escaped my bad habits. An addendum to this one is that I will never have a beautifully decorated house. I just don't just care enough. 15 years and no window treatments should have been my first clue. I'd rather spend my time and money on other things. I do LOVE to see other people's beautiful houses though - and I'm still jealous. I just need some kind of house fairy to do it all for me...
3. I will always worry about what others think of me. Gosh I wish I didn't give a hoot, but I do. I always worry I'm saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing. I really hoped this habit would die with high school, but alas, I still do it. Maybe when I turn 50...
4. I will forever eat stupid, childish, candy. Yes I know sugar and artificial colors are bad for me, blah blah blah. But I have an addiction that can barely be kept at bay. And my tastes have never, ahem, matured. I still love Mike and Ikes, Starbursts, and laffy taffy (I dare you not to laugh the jokes on the wrapper). And I harbor an unnatural love for bit o honeys. Bring on Halloween!
5. I will always forget everyone's birthday. Cripes I'm terrible at this. You'd think I would write everything down once and for all on some kind of master calendar (please see #2 above), but I don't. I'm lucky to remember my own children's birthday. This is a total curse because NO ONE forgets my birthday, which is April Fool's Day. Poetic, no??
I'm sure there are more, but these are just the ones off the top of my head. On a positive note, I used to say "I would NEVER run a marathon - those people are crazy". So I guess there are some personal truths I've been able to overcome, right? Or maybe I've just finally gone crazy...
1. I will never have straight flat hair. Nope. I've admired people for years with simple and pretty flat hair and always figured one day I would try out the style. Not happening, folks. I'm too cheap to have it done professionally, and too lazy (and uncoordinated) to flat iron it myself. I have come to embrace my curly, frizzy, poofy, big hair.
2. I will never have an organized house. Unless the folks from TLC's Clean Sweep are going to come to my house and perform the mother of all miracles, my house will remain a monument to disorganization. My cabinets are atrocious, my drawers stuffed full, my closets a disaster. I have piles everywhere plotting to take over someday. My OCD husband has even given up on me. He escapes to work where he can keep his office perfect and everything on his desk at right angles. He has surrendered on the home front. If you want to see the only organized room in my house, go into Katy's room. She has somehow escaped my bad habits. An addendum to this one is that I will never have a beautifully decorated house. I just don't just care enough. 15 years and no window treatments should have been my first clue. I'd rather spend my time and money on other things. I do LOVE to see other people's beautiful houses though - and I'm still jealous. I just need some kind of house fairy to do it all for me...
3. I will always worry about what others think of me. Gosh I wish I didn't give a hoot, but I do. I always worry I'm saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing. I really hoped this habit would die with high school, but alas, I still do it. Maybe when I turn 50...
4. I will forever eat stupid, childish, candy. Yes I know sugar and artificial colors are bad for me, blah blah blah. But I have an addiction that can barely be kept at bay. And my tastes have never, ahem, matured. I still love Mike and Ikes, Starbursts, and laffy taffy (I dare you not to laugh the jokes on the wrapper). And I harbor an unnatural love for bit o honeys. Bring on Halloween!
5. I will always forget everyone's birthday. Cripes I'm terrible at this. You'd think I would write everything down once and for all on some kind of master calendar (please see #2 above), but I don't. I'm lucky to remember my own children's birthday. This is a total curse because NO ONE forgets my birthday, which is April Fool's Day. Poetic, no??
I'm sure there are more, but these are just the ones off the top of my head. On a positive note, I used to say "I would NEVER run a marathon - those people are crazy". So I guess there are some personal truths I've been able to overcome, right? Or maybe I've just finally gone crazy...
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Like Mother Like Daughter???
I've been thinking a lot about my daughter lately, and whether or not I'm being the best mother I can be for her. (SIDE NOTE: If you hate listening to people brag about their kids, begin eye rolling here and skip the next paragraph...)
The truth is, Katy is an amazing little girl. She never sasses me, or complains when I ask her to do things. She feels horrible when she does something wrong and says she's sorry about a million times until she's sure we've forgiven her. She works her tail off at school and goes above and beyond every night with her homework, often doing more than what is required. She works hard at her skating team and has never been late or missed practice one time in over 2 years. If she gets reprimanded by a coach or a teacher for any reason, she will feel bad about it for days. She constantly confides in me and my husband and (to my knowledge) has never lied to either of us. She has the patience of a saint for her brother (ten times more patience than I have). She has never ONCE complained when I have asked her to include Jayson in some of her play time with friends. She asks for kisses every morning at the bus stop and every night before she goes to bed. Truly I wonder what I've done to deserve her.
But do I deserve her? I swore the day she was born I was going to be the best mother I could be. For 3 1/2 years she was my little partner and the center of my world. When her brother was born I knew some of that attention would shift, and that was OK, because she would always be my first and we would always have that special bond. But as the years have gone by and her brother's special needs began to overtake my life, I have been plagued with guilt over whether or not I have truly been there for my daughter. You see, I admit that I am ten times harder on her than I should be. If she spaces out while watching a TV show and I have to call her name more than a few times I get pretty angry - never mind that it takes at least 10 times for Jayson to acknowledge me. I get mad at her when she doesn't talk to other grownups - something that makes her very self conscience and nervous. I'll tell her she's being rude and get mad and I see the disappointment and sadness in her eyes. I'll rake on her for biting her nails or never cutting her hair. I'll snap at her when she gets emotional over something that I see as silly. And I KNOW why I'm so hard on her. As hard as it is to admit, I do it because she's the child that I want to label as "low maintenance". She's the child without autism and, as stupid as it sounds, she's the one shot I have at "normalcy".
Man, that was horrible to write. I always thought it the the dark recesses of my mind, but now I'm admitting it. And by admitting out loud (or, in this case, in print) now I can stop it, because she deserves so much better. Now am I being hard on myself here? Probably. Because I do love the hell out of that child and tell her every day how proud I am of her. I also tell her I'm sorry when I know my parenting hasn't been up to snuff. As she grows older and becomes less of a little girl, I am really getting a picture of just how amazing she is - and how high the stakes are to parent her right and to the very best of my ability. No child is "low maintenance", and she's heading into the most high maintenance time of her life - and that's OK! I'm just grateful I still have time left to fix my mistakes and do her justice.
My husband and I agree that Katy looks exactly like him - right down to the exact same nose and eyes. But he is always quick to tell me that she ACTS exactly like me. Maybe that's another reason I'm harder on her, because I don't want her to turn out exactly like me. I want her to be better than me...and I just know that she will be.
The truth is, Katy is an amazing little girl. She never sasses me, or complains when I ask her to do things. She feels horrible when she does something wrong and says she's sorry about a million times until she's sure we've forgiven her. She works her tail off at school and goes above and beyond every night with her homework, often doing more than what is required. She works hard at her skating team and has never been late or missed practice one time in over 2 years. If she gets reprimanded by a coach or a teacher for any reason, she will feel bad about it for days. She constantly confides in me and my husband and (to my knowledge) has never lied to either of us. She has the patience of a saint for her brother (ten times more patience than I have). She has never ONCE complained when I have asked her to include Jayson in some of her play time with friends. She asks for kisses every morning at the bus stop and every night before she goes to bed. Truly I wonder what I've done to deserve her.
But do I deserve her? I swore the day she was born I was going to be the best mother I could be. For 3 1/2 years she was my little partner and the center of my world. When her brother was born I knew some of that attention would shift, and that was OK, because she would always be my first and we would always have that special bond. But as the years have gone by and her brother's special needs began to overtake my life, I have been plagued with guilt over whether or not I have truly been there for my daughter. You see, I admit that I am ten times harder on her than I should be. If she spaces out while watching a TV show and I have to call her name more than a few times I get pretty angry - never mind that it takes at least 10 times for Jayson to acknowledge me. I get mad at her when she doesn't talk to other grownups - something that makes her very self conscience and nervous. I'll tell her she's being rude and get mad and I see the disappointment and sadness in her eyes. I'll rake on her for biting her nails or never cutting her hair. I'll snap at her when she gets emotional over something that I see as silly. And I KNOW why I'm so hard on her. As hard as it is to admit, I do it because she's the child that I want to label as "low maintenance". She's the child without autism and, as stupid as it sounds, she's the one shot I have at "normalcy".
Man, that was horrible to write. I always thought it the the dark recesses of my mind, but now I'm admitting it. And by admitting out loud (or, in this case, in print) now I can stop it, because she deserves so much better. Now am I being hard on myself here? Probably. Because I do love the hell out of that child and tell her every day how proud I am of her. I also tell her I'm sorry when I know my parenting hasn't been up to snuff. As she grows older and becomes less of a little girl, I am really getting a picture of just how amazing she is - and how high the stakes are to parent her right and to the very best of my ability. No child is "low maintenance", and she's heading into the most high maintenance time of her life - and that's OK! I'm just grateful I still have time left to fix my mistakes and do her justice.
My husband and I agree that Katy looks exactly like him - right down to the exact same nose and eyes. But he is always quick to tell me that she ACTS exactly like me. Maybe that's another reason I'm harder on her, because I don't want her to turn out exactly like me. I want her to be better than me...and I just know that she will be.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
K2TOG
I am a knitter. Not a very good one, mind you, but a knitter none the less. I learned how to knit from my friend Wendy when Jayson was about a year old. I had gone to Wendy's house to drop off some baby items that I didn't need anymore and found her sitting on her couch knitting the most adorable sheep blanket I had ever seen. I was in awe - absolute awe. I didn't know Wendy very well but asked her if she would teach me how to knit - and that's how "Knitting Wednesdays" began. It started with just the 2 of us and over the weeks and months I got to know her better and found myself with a new and wonderful friend. A bit later, a third girl joined us, also in awe of how wonderful knitting seemed to be. The 3 of us met every week and knitted and talked (okay, and ate) and formed a bond.
That was nearly 6 yeas ago (!). In those 6 years many more knitters (some new, some pros) joined the group, while others dropped out for various reasons. 2 women saw me knitting while we waited to pick our sons up from speech therapy. I didn't know these women and they didn't know me, but they were knitters themselves and that brought us together. These 2 complete strangers showed up at my house the next wednesday and another friendship was born. One of them, Suzanne, recently moved to Boston and I miss her terribly. She is the knitting Yoda and never failed to make me smile. The other girl, Julie, is a constant source of inspiration to me in all things knitting and non knitting. There is nothing she can't do. There are 2 knitters named Heather from my church that knit with me. Heather #1 doesn't do much knitting (she calls herself the "shnitter"), but she is a delight to have around and a constant source of smiles. Heather #2 is someone I have loved getting to know better, and is one of the most dedicated members of the wednesday group. And there are the drop ins - those who never knit, but stop by to say hello, bring a snack, or just hang out. I am grateful for every one of them!
I have grown to love my Wednesday nights. All of us make up a very diverse group and every person who walks through the door each week has a special place in my life. What started as a simple hobby to pass away the time has become a life line to some very important friendships. We all have busy lives, jobs, housework, problems with our kids, problems with life - you name it. But we try hard to take time every week to sit and knit and relax. There is a common step in a knitting pattern labeled K2TOG, meaning "knit 2 stitches together on your needles". That is what knitting does to yarn, and to people. It brings you together. Happy Knitting Wednesday everyone!!
That was nearly 6 yeas ago (!). In those 6 years many more knitters (some new, some pros) joined the group, while others dropped out for various reasons. 2 women saw me knitting while we waited to pick our sons up from speech therapy. I didn't know these women and they didn't know me, but they were knitters themselves and that brought us together. These 2 complete strangers showed up at my house the next wednesday and another friendship was born. One of them, Suzanne, recently moved to Boston and I miss her terribly. She is the knitting Yoda and never failed to make me smile. The other girl, Julie, is a constant source of inspiration to me in all things knitting and non knitting. There is nothing she can't do. There are 2 knitters named Heather from my church that knit with me. Heather #1 doesn't do much knitting (she calls herself the "shnitter"), but she is a delight to have around and a constant source of smiles. Heather #2 is someone I have loved getting to know better, and is one of the most dedicated members of the wednesday group. And there are the drop ins - those who never knit, but stop by to say hello, bring a snack, or just hang out. I am grateful for every one of them!
I have grown to love my Wednesday nights. All of us make up a very diverse group and every person who walks through the door each week has a special place in my life. What started as a simple hobby to pass away the time has become a life line to some very important friendships. We all have busy lives, jobs, housework, problems with our kids, problems with life - you name it. But we try hard to take time every week to sit and knit and relax. There is a common step in a knitting pattern labeled K2TOG, meaning "knit 2 stitches together on your needles". That is what knitting does to yarn, and to people. It brings you together. Happy Knitting Wednesday everyone!!
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