Just What I Needed...

As many of you know, it's been a rough month in the Strand house.  Sickness struck many of us, putting Erik in the hospital, and taking Jayson out of school for an entire week.  Then I went away to a long skating competition and came back sick myself.  To say our normal routines are out of whack would be putting it mildly.  For some families, a change in routine is really no big deal.  For the Strands, a change in routine is devastating to our son - and we have seen the unfortunate effects in the past week or so.  Jayson has had a hard time readjusting to going back to school after being off for Christmas break and then another week for illness.  He has been even more unfocused than usual, has shown rare misbehavior, and has not been able to keep up in math, his best subject.  On more than one occasion he has uttered "I hate school and I hate learning new things". At home he is emotional and angers more quickly than usual.  

I tend to panic when Jayson gets into these moods, even though I've seen them before and they are usually short lived.  These periods are often a kick in the gut to me because it greatly magnifies all of his issues related to his autism - usually just when I'm letting some hope and optimism creep into my life about his future.  You see, Jayson was having a VERY successful school year up until about 2 weeks ago.  My rational mind knows he's just reacting to all the changes that have happened here at home this month, but my heart breaks to see all his struggles magnified during this time.  And because I tend to be a worrier, I start to panic about his future and his ability to make it in the world at large.  

And then, lo and behold, I see post on a friend's facebook page yesterday.  Her friend wrote an article for an Autism website called Natural Learning Concepts  (http://www.nlconcepts.com/) called "Top Ten Reason Why People With Autism Rock".  As I read the article I realized not only was Jayson going to be okay, he was going to be more than okay.  You see, the article showed me that instead of worrying about Jayson, perhaps I should worry a little more about myself.  Almost all the positive qualities that the author lists in the article are qualities that I really need to work on in my own life.  Sometimes I need that reminder that autism is not always such a bad thing.  The rest of us can learn ALOT from people on the spectrum.  

So I've copied the article and web address below.  Please take the time to read it.  Hopefully it will make you appreciate people on the spectrum more, and make you think about yourself.  It did for me.  It also helped me to take a deep breath about all his current behaviors.  This will pass.  It always does.  Our routines are slowly getting back to normal and so will Jayson.  And, as the article below shows,  Jayson's "normal" is a actually a wonderful thing.  Enjoy...

 http://www.nlconcepts.com/article-10-reasons-why-people-with-autism-rock.html

Ten Reasons Why People with Autism Rock
1. People on the autism spectrum don't play mind games
Sarah: “I'm going to have a cozy day at home honey, but whatever you decide to do is fine.”
Mike: “Great. I think I'll head on over to Greg's house to watch the game and have a few beers.”
Sarah: “Fine! You might as well sleep over there too since the locks will be changed by the time you get home.” (Exits room and slams door)
Mike: (Frowning, confused and totally nonplussed) “What the..?”
Typical people are often masterful at saying one thing, while meaning the opposite. It's a game that most of us hate but we play it anyway. Consistently needing to read between the lines can be emotionally exhausting. Why is it so difficult for most of us to simply say it straight? People on the autism spectrum don't play these mind games. They tell it like it is and it's remarkably refreshing to be in their company. They don't expect you to play these games either. They mean what they say, and expect you do too. That's right! They'll take what you say at face value, without secretly doubting or disbelieving your word. What a great characteristic!
2. People on the autism spectrum are not interested in “looking good”
Many of us have an unconscious need to impress others. The clothes we wear, the topics we talk about, and even the careers we pick are often influenced by what others might think of us. People on the autism spectrum tend to do what makes them happy. If those ugly red shoes provide great comfort, then so be it. If reading children's comics make them laugh like a little kid, that's what they'll do. They're not about to feign interest in some philosophical argument just because it might make them look good. They're not interested in keeping up with the neighbors or buying the new “in thing” because that's what everyone is doing. They are who they are and that is that! This makes them genuine, sincere people who are unique and fascinating to be around.
3. People on the autism spectrum maintain an innocence about them
Many people on the autism spectrum have an uncanny ability to maintain the innocence of a little kid. They are captivated by the small things in life and are likely to be far more impressed by a leaf blowing haphazardly in the wind, than by the worldly possessions someone is flaunting in front of them. Foreigners to deception, they believe every word you say and this characteristic leaves them as gullible and naïve as a child. They don't look for hidden meanings and even if they did, they are unlikely to find them. They accept the world at face value, often delighting in the beauty around them.
4. People on the autism spectrum are honest
Since deception is not part of their makeup, people on the autism spectrum hardly ever tell a lie. One might even say they are honest to a fault. People on the autism spectrum will call it as they see it. If you want the truth, you know who to go to but be prepared for a brutally honest answer. Most of this population has never perfected the art of a white lie. They typically do not cheat or steal and remain remarkably in integrity. Most often people on the autism spectrum are valued friends who are honest, forthright and one hundred percent loyal.
5. People on the autism spectrum delight in the moment
For many of us, the book we found fascinating in college wore off pretty fast. The jingle that first made us laugh drove us crazy 20 minutes later. The first sunset we witnessed captivated our heart but years later we put on sunglasses and barely notice it. Sadly, it doesn't take much for us to become blasé about the world around us. Most people on the autism spectrum are just the opposite! The joke that had them in stitches a month ago has the same effect on them today. The light reflecting off the glass window has them just as mesmerized as they first time they saw it. The color of the sky after a summer storm fills them with wonder each and every time. Perhaps because they are so sensory aware, they possess the talent of delighting in the small moments of life. One thing is for sure, their enthusiasm for life is contagious and it's great to be in their presence.
6. People on the autism spectrum have an intense ability to focus
While the rest of the world is socializing, many people on the autism spectrum are pursuing their interest with frenzy. There are no limits to the amount of time and effort they will dedicate to their passion, and they possess a unique ability to filter out the rest of the world while doing so. This intense focus and attention to detail enables them to master a subject or skill, which is often a great asset to the workforce. Temple Grandin says that if we eradicate autism from the world, we'll also be depriving ourselves of all the great gadgets and technology we enjoy, such as software programs, computer chips, video technology and the likes. While many of these inventors and pioneers might not be diagnosed with autism, many of them certainly possess autistic traits and the ability to focus intensely on their subject of interest.
7. People on the autism spectrum don't gossip
You know those people who are always talking behind your back? You can be sure they are not on the autism spectrum. People on the spectrum do not indulge in gossip. In fact the whole thing goes right over the top of their head. And as for all those private smirks and eye contact people surreptitiously engage in during a public exchange, you can bet your spectrum friend will never do that to you. If your spectrum friend has something to say, he'll either say it directly or keep it to himself. Blabbing about it to other people is completely foreign to his nature.
8. People with autism are not judgmental
Wouldn't it be great if people could just accept you as you are? The answer is to befriend someone on the autism spectrum. People with autism concentrate on the matter at hand. When they're listening to you speak, this is where they maintain their focus. They won't be furtively judging you on your clothes, your level of success, the color of your skin or how well you play baseball. If Jim tells his autism spectrum friend that he likes eating burgers from McDonalds, his friend thinks “Jim likes eating burgers from McDonalds.” He doesn't judge Jim based on his eating preferences or secretly concludes that Jim has poor eating habits, and is in need of an education on the food pyramid. The same holds true when a person on the spectrum encounters someone, who, let’s say for example has pink hair. There is no judgment about what type of personality this person must have or the background they must have come from. They simply acknowledge the presence of pink hair and move on. The ability to abstain from jumping to conclusions about people based on their appearance, career or some other aspect is admirable, and we have much to learn from our friends with autism in this department.
9. People on the autism spectrum make great employees
Many people on the autism spectrum make great employees with admirable work ethics. They are typically creatures of habit. They arrive at exactly the same time every day and never leave early. They wouldn't dream of taking extended lunch breaks and you won't find them socializing at the coffee machine. They're more likely to be working studiously at their desk. Many of us balk at the routine aspects of our job and overlook the small details we should pay attention to. But this is often an area of strength for those on the spectrum, who are masterful at paying attention to detail. They are honest and loyal workers, who certainly don't enjoy job hopping and are typically committed and dedicated to their place of employment.
10. People with autism have a unique perspective
People with autism have a unique way of communicating and a fascinating perspective. Many are capable of such a diverse range of exceptional abilities. If you take the time to look, you'll find that the amount we can learn from them is quite staggering. Because people with autism have such a different way of thinking and being, they can contribute greatly to us, the workforce and to how we view life. If you are lucky enough to be close to someone on the autism spectrum, you will know firsthand that not only do they see the world from a different angle, but they have changed your perspective too and instilled in you a sense of compassion you never knew you were capable of feeling.
To all of you out there who are on the autism spectrum...You Rock!

Things I Have Learned in the last 36 Hours

It has been a hellacious week at my house.  Both Erik and Jayson became sick last Saturday night and suffered from some kind of virus for the next 5 days.  Jayson missed a week of school and Erik missed a week of work.  I thought things couldn't get any worse.  They did.  But they also didn't.  Here is what I have learned - hope some of it sticks with you in case you (God Forbid) ever need it:

1.  Viruses can turn.  It doesn't matter if you are young, strong, and healthy.  Erik is one of the strongest men I know.  He doesn't smoke, he eats well, he exercises, and generally takes care of himself.  Right now he is sitting in the hospital with acute pneumonia.  24 hours after being admitted we are just now getting a clearer picture of how sick he was, and how very close he was to having his story turn out a VERY different way.  I thought I was shaken up yesterday on the ambulance ride to the hospital - I'm more shaken up now knowing how close I came to losing him.  Don't mess around with possible pneumonia.  Please. 

2.  Be forever thankful for your friends and family.  I don't know what I would do without them.  2 of my friends had my back in about 10 minutes from when I made that first phone call from the ER, and soon many others joined in.  My kids were taken care of,  I was being prayed for hard, wonderful doctors were suggested, plans were rearranged to help get my daughter through a skating competition, and a wonderful meal appeared on my doorstep to get us through the weekend.  God Bless all of you - truly.  I'm so close to falling apart and I'm convinced it's everyone's support that's keeping it at bay. 

3.  Don't be complacent.  16 years ago Erik had cancer and beat it - beat it soundly.  We haven't thought about it in a LONG time.  Yesterday a radiologist in the ER, being overly cautious about what he was seeing on the chest x ray, made some comments about a possible return of the cancer, throwing us into an absolutely terrifying tailspin.  In all honesty, the last time I remember having that instant "I'm going to throw up" feeling was when I was told my son had autism.  I hate that feeling.  I don't ever want that feeling ever again.  Many doctors have consulted with us in the last 24 hours.  Tests have been run.  It is much more likely the spots on the X ray were due to the pneumonia.  There is really no indication of the cancer's return upon further study.  We aren't nearly as scared about that as we were yesterday.  Now we are freaked out about the severity of the pneumonia.  Don't become complacent.  Things can turn on a dime. I've heard more stories in the last 24 hours of how things could go wrong.  

4.  Priorities.  In one swift instant nothing else mattered.  Nothing.  I hate that it takes something like this to clear all the bullsh** from my brain.  Erik too.  We both had a long talk today about what needs to take precedence in our minds and bodies.  Color us both sufficiently scared into change.

5.  My husband is the center of my universe.  Without him I am lost.  Thank you, God, for letting him remain with me. I cherish every single second.   

Failure - It's A Good Thing...

Why are we parents so afraid to let our kids fail? Why do we fear mediocrity? Why do we often have this compulsive need to always give our kids a leg up? I've been wrestling with this question on many different levels lately with regards to both of my children, but this past weekend provided a wonderful example of why it's more than OK to let our children experience (gasp) not being the best at everything they do. 

As many of you know, Katy is a figure skater.  She's not a great one, but she's also not a terrible one.  Figure skating is full of drama - most of which, sadly, is provided by the parents.  I find this to be true in any sport, really.  For whatever reason, my generation tends to have this obsessive need to make sure our kids are "always on the best team".  We start them in a sport earlier and earlier (soon there will be fetus leagues), and as soon possible some of us rush to put them on the coveted TRAVEL TEAM.  God forbid we let them waste away on the lowly park district recreational team.  And if our kids aren't chosen for those teams, or we think our kids are just so darn fantastic that they shouldn't be on the travel team, we simply quit that particular organization and form a new one.  And sports never end - there is winter soccer and winter baseball and indoor track and thus any sport can be done all year long.  I'll be curious to watch our kids as they get older to see how many of them burn out, or worse, get seriously injured from the rigorous training we put them through.  Now, I can already hear the indignant retorts of many of you, so let me assure you that I am not immune to the draw of youth sports.  My son will soon be a 3 sport kid - karate, football, and baseball.  He is happy as a clam on those rec teams, however, and we have Jayson in sports for different reasons than most parents so I feel like I can give myself a pass with him. 

But I CONSTANTLY have to keep myself in check with my daughter.  Katy started skating when she was in first grade, mainly because her entire rec soccer team went over to travel and Erik and I just weren't ready to make that leap.  We signed her up for lessons and laced up the rental skates.  For 2 years she happily moved along in skate school.  It wasn't a huge time commitment and it wasn't really that expensive.  Then one day someone asked if Katy wanted to try the Synchronized Skating team.  I had never even heard of such a thing but it was a relatively cheap beginner team and she seemed to like it during the tryouts.  She had a great time that year and we happily stayed in our oblivious bubble, not really understanding how crazy this sport could become.  As time wore on, the reality of the sport hit us.  In order to be "successful" in individual figure skating, you better be prepared to spend gobs of money, and put your child on the ice for hours each day.  This was not going to happen with Katy.  Not only could we not afford it, but I was weary of the time commitment.  So we decided team synchro skating was the route to go.  We loved the fact that she could make tons of friends, and we felt is was a cheaper way of enjoying the sport of ice skating.  But like any other sport, not all teams were seen as equal.  And you had "pay to play" so to speak. 

But at the end of that year, most of the girls in her team organization left to go more successful teams.  Katy's program never had a great reputation and the girls and parents were sick of losing.  A small core of us decided to stick around and see if we could help the new coach build a program.  I'd love to say we did this out of selflessness and a good heart, but really most of us just couldn't afford to go to the glitzier teams.  And so for the next two years, Katy's synchro team finished at or near the bottom in every competition.  It was hard to watch.  At the end of every year more girls would leave to go to more successful teams, but still some of us stayed, this time because our girls had become very close friends.  And although our girls didn't like losing, they chose the friendships thay had found over the medals they could probably get elsewhere.  And in the mean time, they continued to practice, continued to try to improve themselves, and continued to learn that life doesn't end if you come in last place.  And as high and mighty as I may sound (I'm really trying hard not to), I will totally admit that I thought about leaving at the end of every year - it was my daughter who insisted on staying. 

But after 2 long years of relative failure, a funny thing happened.  The coaches continued to build the program at the lower levels, and the higher level girls kept the bulk of their team together.  They continued to practice, and continued to work hard, and they grew up and became a little stronger.  The coaches encouraged them to work on invidual skills and most of us parents tried our hardest to make that happen without breaking the bank.  All along the way the girls became even better friends, and the parents grew closer as well.  In our own weird way, we had become a family of sorts (wildly dysfunctional, but what family isn't? lol.) Losing didn't bother us any more.  And you know what? That's when the team started winning.  This year the girls have earned their very first medals in synchro skating, and this past weekend brought their first ever Gold.  You could have knocked those girls over with a feather when their coach showed them those medals - us parents as well.  Years of "failure" only made their success sweeter.  And along the way our girls learned valuable lessons - it's OK not to be the best, you can still find fun in sports when you don't win, and there is joy to be found in all your experienes - even if those experiences don't end successfully. 

I suspect next year these girls will be competing on a different level since many of them are getting older.  I could be wrong, and I hope I am, but I think it's likely they will find themselves out of medal contention next year as they get used to new levels and new skating skills.  But regardless of what next year brings, I am confident they will enjoy themselves whether they come in first place or last place.  So it's fun to watch them bask in the glow of gold right now, but it's even nicer to know they don't need it.  We parents (me included) need to remember that...