It Takes a Village

We've all heard the phrase, "It takes a village to raise a child".  It's been thrown around for quite a few years now, started way back when by (I believe) Hillary Clinton.  Never has this been more true than for my child, Jayson. 

Every village has a leader, so I guess Erik and I qualify for that position in Jayson's life.  We aren't perfect by any means (most leaders aren't), but we have good intentions and do our very best to guide Jayson.  It's not easy.  There are days when the responsibility is overwhelming and the problems seem insurmountable.  That's when I'm so very grateful for the other villagers in Jayson's life. 

Jayson's school is full of helpful villagers.  I can't even begin to list all them and how they help and shape him - but here's just a few:  It's his third grade teacher, who spends a ton of extra time figuring out how he learns best, and then calls me to help put plans into place for him.  This same teacher calls me every once in awhile, giddy with excitement, when Jayson does well.  I know she's a big cheerleader for him and that warms my heart.  It's also the aide, who patiently redirects him when his attention wanders, and takes all his idiosyncrasies in stride.  This same woman is trying desperately to put herself out of a job by making him more independent and responsible for his own organization.  It's the speech pathologist and social worker, who see Jayson every week and continue to work on his social skills, grabbing me every chance they get in the school hallway to tell me how much they love spending time with him.  It's the principal, who has sat in on nearly every IEP meeting with me and my husband, truly doing her best to make sure he gets all the supports he needs, and also stepping in when she thinks he's being bullied.  It's the library workers, who always have a smile for him and treat him so kindly.  It's the occupational therapist, who started on just as a consult, but thought perhaps there was something more she could do for Jayson so she asked my permission to test him and then decided to take him on for more in depth therapy - mind you, her schedule of students was already packed to the gills.  It's the gym teacher who brought the Wii to school and introduced Jayson to "Just Dance", bringing happiness to his life and some wiggle in his booty.  It's the music teacher, who gave him a tryout for a speaking role in the concert (he didn't get it this year, but maybe next year).  It's all the teachers and aides in the past who have cheered him on and always have a smile for him in the halls.  And it's the special kids who go out of their way for Jayson, asking the teacher if they can be his partner or help him when he has trouble.  Even better, it's the kids who don't go out of their way for Jayson - they just treat him like any other normal third grader, talking about sports or playing tag or eating lunch with him. 

And there's plenty of villagers to be found outside of school.  There's his karate Sensei, a large man who could kill me with his thumbs, who has taught Jayson karate since he was 5 years old.  He has the patience of a saint and has worked absolute miracles with Jayson's focusing skills.  It's the football coach that knew right away that Jayson wasn't going to be a star player, but made sure he had a terrific experience at every practice and game.  It's Erik's friend, Tyler, who owns deer hunting land down state, and often invites Erik and Jayson down for some "guy time", know how much  Jayson LOVES climbing into the deer blinds and target shooting with bb guns.  It's everyone at our church, who have known Jayson since he was born, and have accepted him without judgement, providing him with such a comfortable environment that he FINALLY has started going to Sunday school and has even shown interest in taking his First Communion.  It's the families of all the girls on my daughter's skating team, who see him at the rink and even stay overnight with him at competitions, who readily accept him and never give him strange looks.  It's their sons, who swim with him at the hotels we stay at, and provide such wonderful social models.  It's my good friends, some of whom understand better than others what it's like to struggle with a child who is "different", who make him AND me feel relaxed and accepted.  It's my neighbor's son, a high schooler, who knows Jayson idolizes him and always takes time out of his very busy schedule to spend time with him, or just say hello.  Actually, it's all three of my neighbor's kids, who have never given off the vibe that they don't want him around - they always include him and accept him.  And it's my family, who through the years have supported him and rooted for him at every single turn.  I used to get frustrated with my family, who used to insist on how normal Jayson was.  I always wanted to scream "No!! Stop pretending like everything is OK!!".  But now I'm so very grateful for their attitudes.  I never have to worry about what Jayson will say (or not say), or do (or not do) around my family.  They always provide unconditional acceptance. 

I'm sure I'm forgetting plenty of villagers, but Jayson is so blessed to have every single one of them in his life.  It is because of them that he is doing so well, and growing up to be such a neat boy.  Jayson's village is raising him up and guiding him well.  There have been (and will be) many times when some villagers try to bring Jayson down.  But thankfully those villagers are in the minority, vastly outnumbered by those who go out of their way to make him succeed. 

And let's not forget that we are ALL villagers in each others lives.  Our actions and words have profound effects on everyone around us. What kind of citizens do we want to be? Let's be productive ones.  Let's all do our best to raise each other up, instead of tearing each other down.  It takes a village to raise a child, but it takes all kinds to make a village.  Let's make our villages great ones. 

My Own Parenting Gut Check...

As many of my friends know, my family has eagerly been awaiting the birth of my sister's second baby girl.  Thanks to a well-timed day off from school, the kids and I were able to travel to Iowa Monday night and Tuesday and be there for the birth of little Betsy Lou.  In fact, Jayson was the third family member to hold her, after her Mom and Dad.  Betsy is happy and healthy and my sister can finally get on the road to recovery, since pregnancy was not very nice to her body this time around.  There is nothing like a new baby.  You sit there in the hospital and behold this little miracle, marveling at the fact that just hours ago she was curled up inside another human being.  You ogle at every yawn, every little grunt, every little peek of the eyes.  New babies hold so much hope and promise because you truly have before you a blank slate.  To put it more bluntly - you haven't had a chance to screw them up yet.  

I think I had about 3 hours after Katy was born where I could have been considered a perfect parent.  I was still a little shell shocked, but managed to handle my first nursing feeding with aplomb.  I changed her first poopy diaper like a pro, snuggled with her for awhile, and then sent her off to the nursery so they could clean her off, run some tests, and do whatever else they do in there.  By the time they brought her back to me later that evening I was already a complete mess.  I was a panicked new mom who became anxious over EVERYTHING.  I worried about sleep schedule, feeding schedule and getting enough bonding time - mind you, I worried incessantly about this while STILL IN THE HOSPITAL! You can only imagine my anxiety level when I brought her home.  Fast forward nearly 4 years and I remember thinking things would be different when Jayson was born.  I knew what to do with a new baby so the second time around would go smoothly, right? Wrong.  I was as panicked as ever, this time worrying not only about the new baby's schedule, but how I was going to turn little Katy's life upside down.  In my early years as a parent, I truly did not have any confidence in myself.  I loved my children more than anything, but was convinced I was doing a terrible job and ruining them every step of the way. 

Ironically, it has been my more challenging child that has helped me gain a bit more confidence in my parenting.  Yes he has autism, and yes he has social struggles, but many of the decisions Erik and I have made in parenting him have really paid off.  We keep his home a calm place, don't overload him with too much madness, keep his routines as normal as possible, instill in him a strong school work ethic, introduce new experiences like sports and camp, and carefully surround him with nice kids who can be good social models and treat him kindly.  At nearly 8 1/2 years old, Jayson is doing better than I ever though he would.  I still wish I could sit and have deeper and more meaningful conversations with him, but perhaps that will come with time.  I think our genuine love and acceptance of Jayson has been the best parenting strategy. 

Even more ironically, it is the OTHER child - the straight A, sweet, caring, kind, helpful daughter that most often causes me to have some parenting gut checks.  On the surface, Katy makes me look like a complete parenting success.  She is smart, and very successful in school.  She is sweet and shy and virtually never sasses me or acts inappropriately.  But I look at her and see a very big way my parenting has negatively impacted her - Katy lacks confidence in herself and is an incessant worrier - everything makes her anxious.  I truly believe she got that vibe from me from a very early age.  My anxiousness made her anxious.  My worrying caused her to worry.  My lack of confidence in me caused her to doubt herself.

 I think I always knew this in the back of my mind, but I really thought a lot about it on the drive home from Iowa yesterday.  Fresh off our hospital visit and snuggles with her new baby cousin, Katy asked me all kinds of questions about what it was like when she was born and what it's like to be a new mom.  I told her about all the magic and wonder, but also admitted to her my struggles.  As I told her how anxious and worried I was I admitted that I now feel like a fool for doubting myself so much.  I told her how I wished I had believed in myself more.  And then I turned it around and told her that I wanted HER to believe in herself more.  I implored her not to make my same mistakes.  I tried to show her that a lot of her anxiousness stems from me, which in turn should make it easier for her to disown.  It was a good conversation, and another example of how admitting and examining our own faults makes us stronger and better. 

So I encourage everyone to do the occasional "gut check".  Are there things you are doing (or not doing) as a parent that you know might affect your kids?  It's more than OK if there are - none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes.  But the biggest mistake of them all is ignoring it and never admitting it. Let's teach our kids that gut checks are a good way to recalibrate yourself, and that you are never too old face mistakes.  After you do that, go and look at pictures of my new niece.  She's adorable...