A Letter to My Daughter

Dear Katy,
I have been thinking a lot about you lately.  It's usually your brother that brings me the most worry but lately it's been you.  And it's not exactly worry that I feel - rather apprehension.  I know you are on the verge of big changes and I can tell you are struggling with them.  I guess I just want to make sure I'm helping you through these times in the right way.  Moms are known for making big mistakes during this time period - ask any middle schooler!  So I thought I would tell you some of the things that have been on my mind lately.  Some of these things we have talked about and some we haven't - mainly because I can't always find the right words.  So here it goes:

1.  Don't worry about your mood swings.  I know they bother you,  I know you feel guilty about them, and I know you think there is something wrong with you.  Trust me,  it's OK.  I had similar emotional swings when I was your age and they continued for quite a few years.  I know you can't always control them and I know they drive you as batty as they drive everyone else.  Dad and I expect them and are ready for them.  And there is nothing wrong with you.  In fact, I'm pleasantly surprised so far to see how well you handle some of those emotions.  I appreciate that you are still so respectful and kind on the outside, even when I know you are a tumble of emotions on the inside. 

2. Don't follow the crowd.  We've had this conversation a million times.  We've talked about the mean kids at school and why they always seem to become the "popular" kids.  I don't know why it always seems to be the case, but it usually ends up that way.  There is a reason those kids make you feel so uncomfortable - it's because you know you don't want to be like them.  This is a good thing.  Be your own person and try not to worry about what everyone else is doing.  I know it's hard to do that right now but have confidence in yourself and know that you are a great kid who makes great choices.  Don't be intimidated by those who make bad ones. 

3.  Hang in there with your friends.  In a few short months you will go to middle school and your social circle will get a little bit bigger.  You will meet plenty of kids that accept you for who you are - faults included.  In the mean time, don't let people mistreat you.  Don't let people ignore you or make you feel like they don't want you around.  And don't be anyone's second choice.  Life is too short to spend time with people who make you feel bad about yourself.  True friends simply do not go out of their way to be mean and uncaring towards you.  Friends can have disagreements, sure.  But true friends are kind, and you know you have a true friend when you don't EVER have to question whether they want you around.  You have friends like that now.  Nurture those friendships and stop worrying about the other ones.  But above all, be kind and understanding to everyone.  Sometimes you will be kinder to others than they are to you.  That's OK.  We have had many talks about your brother and his struggles.  I hope that has taught you that MANY people have their own struggles.  Sometimes you have to give them a little bit of grace and leeway.  Don't just toss people aside because they make a misstep.  If we all did that, we would never form any meaningful relationships. 

4.  Have more confidence in yourself! I wish you could see what I see because you are such a neat kid.  You are responsible, respectful, and smart (a parent's dream combination).  But you are also hilariously funny (some may call it snarky - it's OK, you get that from me), a great artist, a very creative writer, a budding track and cross country runner, and a pretty darn good synchronized ice skater! You are unique.  Don't worry if you're not like every other kid at your school.  You aren't supposed to be - you just have to be YOU!

5.  Don't fear the changes that are coming your way - embrace them.  Everyone is trying to scare you about Middle School and how intimidating it will be.  Trust me - you are going to thrive there.  You are organized and have amazing study skills and will probably coast through the academics.  And if you can remember some of the advice above you will make it through the social minefields as well.  You can continue to skate with your good friends on your team, and you can try out new teams and clubs at school.  There are so many neat opportunities on the horizon.  You are going to LOVE middle school!

6.  And finally - try to cut me a few breaks.  I am in the process of trying to figure out how to mother you correctly through this time.  I have to strike the right balance between protecting you and letting you go.  I won't always do it right.  But I think I'm going to do OK - and so are you.  I love you.

Love, Mom.

That Nagging Voice of Doubt

I knew it would happen sooner or later - it always does.  In my forty years of life I have developed a pattern that appears time and time again.  Any time I begin any new journey, be it a new job, motherhood, a new hobby, a new friendship, etc, I always begin the journey with enthusiasm and (more importantly) confidence.  I have this initial sense of giddiness and a rush of excitement that fools me into thinking that nothing can stand in my way.  Alas, as time goes by, the cracks in the armor begin to appear.  The new job becomes overwhelming, the kids still don't sleep through the night, I unravel my knitting for the millionth time, and that friend and I have our first misunderstanding.  As the confidence slowly fades away, it is replaced by my nemesis - self doubt.  For me, doubt is an insidious thing.  Once it creeps in, it multiplies in strength and quite often derails me. 

With 10 weeks to go in my marathon training, I am having my first crises of confidence.  I had made it one year without issue.  Almost every run had been a good one, I had avoided injury, found a wonderful array of friends to run with, and conquered my half marathon training plans and races with relative ease.  I felt invincible.  And then last weekend I had my very first bad run.  Epically bad.  I was 2 miles into an 11 mile run and was ready to call Erik to come and pick me up so I could go home and eat candy.  Thankfully, I had forgotten to bring my cell phone that afternoon so I slogged on.  With every step, my brain became more clouded with negativity.  All I could think about was how exhausted I was, and how relentless the training schedule was about to become. 

More bad news was still to come.  My friend, who was going to train and run the entire marathon with me, had to drop down to the half marathon due to a reoccurring issue with bronchitis this winter.  I was now on my own for every long training run and, sadly, the marathon as well.  This was not in the plan.  I am a social person and planned on leaning on my friend for company, comic relief, mental support, and other forms of encouragement.  Once again, doubt had creeped in and had made me feel like I won't be good enough. 
 And let me tell you - I'm TIRED of feeling that I'm not good enough.  I've felt that way about so many different things in my life.  I'm sick of doubting whether or not I'm a good enough mother, friend, wife - you name it.  Doubt is not a productive emotion - by its very nature it stops you from moving forward.  And right now, moving forward is what I need to be doing.

So here I sit at what seems to be a crossroads.  Am I going to give into the doubt or literally run past it? I have a 12 miler tomorrow morning that has my nerves on edge.  I can't even begin to process the 14 miler that comes next week, or the 16 miler that comes the week after that.  And I'll be doing them alone.  I never understood how much of a mental game this was until now.  I'd love to scream "bring it on!" with confidence, but I"m just not feeling it.  For now, it looks like I'll just be putting one foot in front of the other.  Let's hope my footsteps drown out that nagging voice.  The time has come to silence it forever in my running, and in my life.  I'll let you all know how tomorrow goes...