That Nagging Voice of Doubt

I knew it would happen sooner or later - it always does.  In my forty years of life I have developed a pattern that appears time and time again.  Any time I begin any new journey, be it a new job, motherhood, a new hobby, a new friendship, etc, I always begin the journey with enthusiasm and (more importantly) confidence.  I have this initial sense of giddiness and a rush of excitement that fools me into thinking that nothing can stand in my way.  Alas, as time goes by, the cracks in the armor begin to appear.  The new job becomes overwhelming, the kids still don't sleep through the night, I unravel my knitting for the millionth time, and that friend and I have our first misunderstanding.  As the confidence slowly fades away, it is replaced by my nemesis - self doubt.  For me, doubt is an insidious thing.  Once it creeps in, it multiplies in strength and quite often derails me. 

With 10 weeks to go in my marathon training, I am having my first crises of confidence.  I had made it one year without issue.  Almost every run had been a good one, I had avoided injury, found a wonderful array of friends to run with, and conquered my half marathon training plans and races with relative ease.  I felt invincible.  And then last weekend I had my very first bad run.  Epically bad.  I was 2 miles into an 11 mile run and was ready to call Erik to come and pick me up so I could go home and eat candy.  Thankfully, I had forgotten to bring my cell phone that afternoon so I slogged on.  With every step, my brain became more clouded with negativity.  All I could think about was how exhausted I was, and how relentless the training schedule was about to become. 

More bad news was still to come.  My friend, who was going to train and run the entire marathon with me, had to drop down to the half marathon due to a reoccurring issue with bronchitis this winter.  I was now on my own for every long training run and, sadly, the marathon as well.  This was not in the plan.  I am a social person and planned on leaning on my friend for company, comic relief, mental support, and other forms of encouragement.  Once again, doubt had creeped in and had made me feel like I won't be good enough. 
 And let me tell you - I'm TIRED of feeling that I'm not good enough.  I've felt that way about so many different things in my life.  I'm sick of doubting whether or not I'm a good enough mother, friend, wife - you name it.  Doubt is not a productive emotion - by its very nature it stops you from moving forward.  And right now, moving forward is what I need to be doing.

So here I sit at what seems to be a crossroads.  Am I going to give into the doubt or literally run past it? I have a 12 miler tomorrow morning that has my nerves on edge.  I can't even begin to process the 14 miler that comes next week, or the 16 miler that comes the week after that.  And I'll be doing them alone.  I never understood how much of a mental game this was until now.  I'd love to scream "bring it on!" with confidence, but I"m just not feeling it.  For now, it looks like I'll just be putting one foot in front of the other.  Let's hope my footsteps drown out that nagging voice.  The time has come to silence it forever in my running, and in my life.  I'll let you all know how tomorrow goes...